The very best of Jeremy Clarkson

By Clive Python | 14jammar

Please note: This was written in spite and I now regret writing it

Everyone and their dog knows who Jeremy Clarkson is, so let us look back at his great past!


Lorry Drivers (Nov 2008)

While driving a lorry: "What matters to lorry drivers? Murdering prostitutes? Fuel economy? [...] This is a hard job [driving a lorry] and I'm not just saying this to win favour with lorry drivers: change gear; change gear; change gear; check your mirrors; murder a prostitute."

Gordon Brown (Feb 2009)

Comparing Gordon Brown to the then Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd: "It's the first time I've ever seen a world leader [Rudd] admit we really are in deep shit. He genuinely looked terrified. Poor man, he's actually seen the books. We have this one-eyed Scottish idiot who keeps telling us everything's fine and he's saved the world and we know he's lying, but he's smooth at telling us." Clarkson personally apologised to Gordon Brown.

Black Muslim Lesbians (Oct 2009)

Talking to the Top Gear magazine: "The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blond-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian. Chalk and cheese, they reckon, works. But here we have Top Gear setting new records after six years using cheese and cheese. It confuses them."

The Burka (Jul 2010)

On distractions when driving: "Honestly, the burka doesn't work. I was in a cab in Piccadilly the other day when a woman in a full burka crossing the road in front of me tripped over the pavement, went head over heels and up it came, red G-string and stockings."

Special needs Ferrari (Oct 2010)

On the Ferrari F430 Speciale: "it was a bit wrong [...] that smiling front end [...] it looked like a simpleton [...] [it] should have been called the 430 Speciale Needs."

The Mexicans (Feb 2011)

Richard Hammond joked that Mexican cars reflected national characteristics, saying they were "just going to be lazy, feckless, flatulent, overweight, leaning against a fence asleep looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat". May described Mexican food as "like sick with cheese on it". Clarkson predicted they would not get any complaints because "at the Mexican embassy, the ambassador is going to be sitting there with a remote control like this [he snores]. They won't complain, it's fine." The BBC was forced to apologise to the Mexican ambassador but also defended the show's presenters, saying national stereotyping was part of British humour. Which it's not.

George Michael (Jul 2011)

In a review of a Jaguar XKR-S he said: "It's very fast and very, very loud. And then in the corners it will get its tail out more readily than George Michael." In response, the singer said that Clarkson was "homophobic" and "pig ugly".

The One Show (Nov 2011)

On public sector workers taking part in a 24-hour strike: "I'd have them all shot. I would have them taken outside and executed them in front of their families." About 31,000 people complained, the BEEB was forced to apologise.

Indian (Jan 2012)

While driving a Jaguar around an Indian slum with a toilet fitted in the boot: "This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots."

Thai controversy (Mar 2014)

Clarkson and Hammond were on a Thai bridge, there was a man standing on it. Clarkson said "That is a proud moment - but there's a slope on it." Hammond replied: "You're right, it's definitely higher on that side." Ofcom found that Clarkson had used an "offensive racial term" that caused offence and breached broadcasting rules.

Childs Play (May 2014)

In a Top Gear outtake, Clarkson recited the beginning of the children's nursery rhyme eeny, meeny, miny, moe before mumbling: "Catch a nigger by his toe." He later wrote in the Sun: "I've been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked." What's odd it that the BBC has played the [edited] episode more than once, even after this whold row.

Liverpool (Feb 2015)

In a Sunday Times column about the city: "People up there earn less, die more quickly, have fewer jobs and live in houses that are worth the square root of sod all."

Written by Clive "James" Python, c. 2016.*/