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July 02, 2002

Squeal like a Pig
Riverfront Times | Submitted by: David
From the text of his complaint: "While walking up the steps, Miller put a finger between the cheeks of my rear end and pushed forward very hard towards my rectum. As I tried to run quickly up the steps, he began running with me, keeping pressure on my rectum with his finger. At the top of the steps, I abruptly turned around, swatting his hand and pushing him away. I made a comment toward him and continued to walk to the front office. About halfway there, I turned around to see what he was doing, and he had the finger he used to touch my rear end under his nose and he was smelling it."

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Pilots called back, fail sobriety test
AZ Central | Submitted by: Hayduke
Are terrorists the ones we really have to worry about? "Thomas Cloyd, 45, the captain, and first-officer Christopher Hughes, 41, both of Gilbert, were stopped just as the plane they were piloting were taxiing off, authorities said. The two were found to have blood-alcohol levels in excess of the legal limit, said Det. Lupo Jimenez of the Miami-Dade Police Department."

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Topless car wash raising eyebrows and....
KXLY-TV 4 Spokane | Submitted by: wingnut
"A topless car wash is raising eyebrows and questions in Moscow, Idaho. Is it a case of indecency, or women exercising their civil rights? That's a question Moscow's City Council will answer this week. "We had about four days to come up with four hundred dollars," said Daisy Mace, one of the topless car washers." Just like in the movies.

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If you smell a rat here, sniff the experts first
Wire Services | Submitted by: Fecolithographer
A wave of ongoing mystery cattle mutilations in Argentina is explained as rodent-induced by the usual authorities, despite abundant UFO sightings, absence of blood, organ excisions performed with surgical precision and burned grass found near some mutes. Once again, the truth and the public be damned. OF COURSE part of this idiocy came about thanks to consultants from the USA who, frankly, can't even adequately explain America's numerous mutilations.

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Lesbian and gay guy hook up
Village Voice | Submitted by: Gno Name
No, it's not a story from The Onion. "The first time we had sex it was like being dropped into one of my favorite gay porn movies starring him as the hunky leading man. The way he undressed me, the way he moved into my body, the way he held his cock in his hand were confident, defiant, seductive. And that dick! The first time I saw it, eyes popping out of my head, I blurted, "Wow, the gay boys must love you!" All the fag personals I'd ever read had dick size featured prominently, and his dick was, well, prominent."

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The scourge of Arial
Mark Simonson Studio | Submitted by: Soylent
"Arial is everywhere. If you don't know what it is, you don't use a modern personal computer. Arial is a font that is familiar to anyone who uses Microsoft products, whether on a PC or a Mac. It has spread like a virus through the typographic landscape and illustrates the pervasiveness of Microsoft's influence in the world."

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Dog running against Katherine Harris
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"Percy the dog is running as a write-in candidate in the Republican primary, said his owner and campaign manager, Wayne Genthner... 'No one has a realistic expectation that a dog can get elected... but plenty of people will be willing to vote for a dog to represent their discontent with the political system.'" Our thoughts: If a dead guy can defeat John Ashcroft, this dog certainly has a chance.

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Boomerang crackdown commences
Newsday | Submitted by: Spookbabe
Miale-Gix said she was returning home from a boomerang tournament in Amherst, Mass. when she was stopped by a state trooper at the airport's security checkpoint. The screener had noticed about 50 boomerangs inside Miale-Gix's carry-on luggage at about 6:30 p.m. Sunday and told her the items would have to be checked, state police said."

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FBI probes claims of body part sales
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"Federal agents are investigating allegations that an employee at the University of Texas Medical Branch illegally sold body parts for his own gain, an FBI spokesman said Monday."

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We sentence you to gang rape
ABC News | Submitted by: Anka VonSilvershanks
A lower class Pakistani boy meets a hot piece of high-society ass. They go walking together, unchaperoned, in the desert. Someone sees them together, and narcs them out to some tribal members who, in turn, order that the boy's sister be gang-raped as an avengence to the rich girl's tribe.

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Spider in woman's ear
Sky News | Submitted by: Lone Gunman
"A woman went to her doctor complaining of headaches - and was told there was a spider living her ear. The arachnid had even spun a web in the woman's ear canal during its brief stay." Article has photo.

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Bill cosby evicts witch
Philadelphia Inquirer | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Bill Cosby has evicted longtime friend and ex-wife of basketball legend Guy Rodgers, from Cosby's Elkins Park estate. Gladys Rodgers said Cosby and his spiritual adviser accused her of using blood, sparkles and other items in bizarre witch rituals to gain control over the Philadelphia-born comedian."

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Seven US cities condemn the PATRIOT Act
ABC News | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"Over the last three months, the Massachusetts cities of Cambridge, Northampton and Amherst and the township of Leverett, as well as the town of Carrboro, N.C., all passed resolutions that call the USA Patriot Act a threat to the civil rights of the residents of their communities. The five municipalities join Berkeley, Calif., and Ann Arbor, Mich., in taking a strong stance challenging the way the Bush administration wants to pursue its war on terror within the borders of the United States."

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Mr. Topp's bottom lands him in Greek prison
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Phatlor
"A British university student who spent a night in a cell on the island of Rhodes for baring his bottom at a coachload of tourists has accused Greek police of over-reacting." Said Topp: "At the police station they called me English scum. The cell was horrendous. Cockroaches were all over the floor and it smelled awful."

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Blowhole kills teen
myCFnow | Submitted by: Rio
Darwin 1, Dick 0: "Witnesses say Daniel Dick, 18, was straddling the Halona Blowhole on the island of Oahu on Sunday. A blast of water lifted him into the air, flipped him upside down and dropped him headfirst into the rock opening. He's at least the third person since 1969 to have died because of the blowhole."

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Abortion ship hits the high seas
Guardian | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The world's first floating abortion clinic - which briefly travelled to Ireland from the Netherlands last year only to founder in a sea of bureaucracy - is to set sail again. And this time it will be legal...Bert Dorenbos, of the Dutch anti-abortion group Cry for Life, said: "It makes me laugh and cry at the same time that we are portrayed to the outside world as a silly country that allows people to offer abortions from boats."

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Hot for Teacher
Toronto Star | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Few people would say it's appropriate for a teacher to send sexually charged notes to a 13-year-old male student who has a crush on her. But is former teacher Laura Sclater simply guilty of poor judgment, or did she commit a crime?...In the notes, some of which are hundreds of words long and are signed "Love, Mrs. Sclater" with hearts or happy faces or "your woman," Sclater calls the boy "hottie, bad boy or big stud..."

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George Michael plagues us again
Guardian | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Michael himself gooses the Queen before turning up in the Blairs' bedroom astride a nuclear missile and attempting to seduce Cherie Blair, who appears unimpressed by his leopard skin thong. "So Cherie, my dear, could you leave the way clear for sex tonight?" Michael sings. "Tell him: 'Tony, Tony, Tony, I know that you're horny, but there's somethin' bout that Bush that ain't right'."

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Tofu Monster is still not scary
Asahi Shimbun | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"An Edo Period monster whose "terrifying" antics include scaring people with tofu has made a comeback on stage, picture books and even popular music. Tofu Kozo, or Tofu boy, is a silly-looking creature who always wears a bamboo hat and carries around a tray of tofu. A cowardly and clumsy figure, he does not possess the frightening features of his contemporaries."

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Good money in Japanese armpits
Daily Yomiuri | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Developing an armpit hair tweezer was a challenge because, in contrast with relatively orderly arm and leg hairs, armpit hairs tend to grow in different directions. Furthermore, the skin on that part of the body is easily damaged. In 1999, an electric tweezer with a small head to remove hairs was developed. The product became explosively popular, selling 1 million units a year."

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Why the courts are more powerful than Death
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: buffaloBill
"Mrs. Steffen is the ex-wife of Tony Steffen, who died in 2000 but was granted a divorce last month in Campbell County Circuit Court. Experts say the case is extraordinary because it involved a dead spouse. Mrs. Steffen's attorney has vowed to appeal the divorce, which Mrs. Steffen did not want." Greed, death, divorce, and elder abuse...in that order.

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Toronto banana incident
Toronto Star | Submitted by: george_lazenby
A security guard who otherwise would have not received a ticket flipped off an unmarked police cruiser, leading to more alarming discoveries: "The man had also been driving with bare feet and had banana peels wrapped around his feet. He said it was a cure for bunions. The man was given a lecture on why he shouldn't be driving with a dog licking his ear or trying to use a holistic method to cure a foot problem while driving."

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