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June 24, 2002

Saddam's dead babies on ice
Observer | Submitted by: spook
"The taxi driver didn't know how long they'd been in freezers, perhaps six or seven months. The drivers would collect them from the regions and would be informed of when a mass funeral was arranged so they would be ready. Certainly, they would collect bodies of children who had died months before and been held for the mass processions."

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Tards just retarded enough to marry
AZ Central | Submitted by: aeon
"Mary Kate Sullivan, 27, and Dan McCauley, 31, easily could have been written off as children; she with facial disfigurations, he with chronic seizures. Both are high-functioning mentally disabled.... Dan smiles when he recalls the first time they met. "I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen."

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Bitch fight at the Royal Ascot
Sun | Submitted by: spook
"Two fillies staged a hard-fought battle at Royal Ascot races when two women gave each other a bashing." With excellent picture.

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Scotland is top alien tourist destination
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Scotland can rightly lay claim to being the "Costa Del Sol" for aliens, according to tourism officials. They are pointing to a survey which said that the country has the highest concentration of reported sightings of Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) of any country in the world." Three hundred sightings per year!

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SF police are sons of bitches
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: wingnut
San Francisco police chose to close several low key World Cup parties fifteen minutes into the big game, because of the technical violation of not having a "caberet permit", which takes 30-45 days to obtain. "Disappointed fans have deluged the Police Department with complaints, including the criticism that a department that ranks dead last among the nation's 20 largest cities in solving violent crimes would go to such effort to crack down on soccer freaks."

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Boy tosses puppy in burning septic tank
myCFnow | Submitted by: Rio
"A puppy is recovering at a California animal hospital, after being tied up with a hose and thrown in an abandoned septic tank that had been lit on fire."

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Do-it-Yourself cop car for $2K
New York Post | Submitted by: Phatlor
"Nobody turned away The Post's reporter and photographer when they sought materials for a do-it-yourself cop car. The car's decals and lettering came from a Manhattan graphics store. 'Can I ask you what you're going to do with that stuff?' asked a store worker. 'I'm doing a photo shoot,' said our photographer." They go on to quote the idiot congressman Charles Schumer, whose first instinct is to ban anything he doesn't like. Hate to tell you this Mr. Schumer, but there really is no way to stop anyone from doing something like this without banning Home Depot entirely.

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Jesus is back and now she's Chinese
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Phatlor
"A banned sect that believes Jesus Christ has returned to earth as a Chinese woman has been accused of kidnapping 34 Christians in a bizarre attempt to gain converts... A spokesman said the kidnap victims had resisted Lightning from the East's attempts at brainwashing."

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Do you have Mad Cow Disease?
Reuters | Submitted by: Phatlor
"The human form of 'mad cow' disease is hard to diagnose early on, but UK researchers have put together a profile of symptoms that may help catch more cases sooner." The symptom list seems to apply to about 20% of the population, however...

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New monkey species discovered
myCFnow | Submitted by: Rio
"Scientists working in Brazil's central Amazon have discovered two new monkey species that are about the size of small cats. 'This once again demonstrates how little we know about biodiversity, these are the 37th and 38th new primate species described since 1990', said Conservation International's President Russell Mittermeier, a co-author of the scientific descriptions."

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Pedophile brags, gets arrested
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: Toots
"Temple Terrace police tried to confront him about sending potentially threatening e-mails to his family in another state, Schurgard answered the door with a gun tucked in the waist of his pants. He threatened the officers and then informed them that he had child pornography on his computer."

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It's the end of the world as we know it...
Time | Submitted by: ian m.
"For evangelical Christians with an interest in prophecy, the headlines always come with asterisks pointing to scriptural footnotes. That is how Todd Strandberg reads his paper. By day, he is fixing planes at Offutt Air Force Base in Bellevue, Neb. But in his off-hours, he's the webmaster at raptureready.com and the inventor of the Rapture Index, which he calls a "Dow Jones Industrial Average of End Time activity."

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Schoolboys fail their forgery exam
BBC | Submitted by: StoneHedge
"Australian school boys seeking an under-age drink in pubs made a crucial mistake when they forged proof-of-age documents. The photographs used in their faked driving licences showed the boys wearing school uniforms."

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Cartoonists feeling patriotic gag
Independent | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"I have had editors who have pulled my syndicated cartoons because readers have marched to their offices and demanded retractions. I have had death threats, efforts to silence me, people who have compared me to traitors."

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Airport security joke backfires
Boston Globe | Submitted by: george_lazenby
Gregory Hastings, of Shrewsbury, Massachusetts, went to the airport and was asked the normal questions at the security checkpoint. "Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry an item on this flight?" and "Have any of the items you are traveling with been out of your immediate control since the time you packed them?" Hastings answered, jokingly, "What do you mean? Like one of those ticking cardboard boxes?" Probation ensues.

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Bill Gates behind oral sex
Fox News | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"South African politicians are accusing American charities, including one funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, of helping to promote oral sex between teenagers in their country. They say the country's leading AIDS charity,partially funded by the Gates Foundation, has told thousands of teenagers to engage in oral sex in a bid to halt the spread of HIV." Is there anything this mans doesn't have his hand in?

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Anti-hooligan workshop ends in riot
online.ie | Submitted by: KC
"A workshop set up by the Macedonian government to tackle violence by football fans broke up in chaos last night as the rivals fought over whose team had the better players."

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Serial flag burner caught
Newsday | Submitted by: Waingro
"Lawrence Wan, 20, of 265 Rintin St., was arrested early yesterday morning on five counts of arson. Police believe he set fire to 19 flags within four blocks of his home." Note though, to the people who have their flags burnt: It is against federal law to keep your flags flying at night, unless you have them on fully illuminated flagpoles.

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Obscene caller gets 4 years
BBC | Submitted by: Phatlor
"A supermarket worker described as the UK's most prolific obscene telephone caller has been jailed for four years. Alan Snell made more than 10,000 obscene or threatening calls over two years using six unregistered mobile phones, said police." Everyone needs a hobby.

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Revenge of the elephants
CBS News | Submitted by: xresx
"The pachyderm's first victim was a woman worker who was eating lunch in an outdoor courtyard. Next, it trampled an 11-year-old boy, who was playing in a nearby field, followed by three more workers, two guards, 25 mud huts and three small police shacks, Jayaraman said."

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Would you believe I'm an idiot?
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: bammer
"Would you believe I'm walking down the street in the middle of the day with this pot plant", Daniel Fornash of Canton said as he walked down the street Thursday, according to police. The passer-by responded, "Would you believe I'm a cop?"

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Germans complain: Why don't people like us?
Wire Services | Submitted by: Aarkwilde
"Erbring, a German who spends four months a year at a vacation home in southern France, admits avoiding his compatriots there. "I spend enough time with Germans when I'm in Germany," he said. "When I'm in France, I'd rather be not be around them."

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