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June 07, 2002

Tattooist has last laugh
The Age | Submitted by: Alista
"Hairdresser Lee Becks, 18, paid STG90 for the tattoo on his right upper arm and was thoroughly pleased with the result - until he found out it actually read: At the end of the day, this is an ugly boy."

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FBI goes brothel-busting
Nando Times | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"The madam ran it with help from her mother; the madam's daughter worked as a prostitute, prosecutors say. New Orleans blue-blood bankers, white-shoe lawyers, businessmen and a former pro football player were said to be among those who paid hundreds of dollars for hourlong trysts with women who had been flown in from New York, Miami and elsewhere."

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Millionaire sentenced to jail for fraud
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Bo Raxo
A woman living in government subsidized low-rent housing hit the jackpot, receiving a stock portfolio worth nearly 2 million dollars. She buys a house worth half a million, but just can't bear to part with her inexpensive apartment in San Francisco. Finally, the authorities catch up with her, and the millionaire will be living in a jail cell, at least for five months. Just warms your heart, doesn't it?

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NYC fucking great, says art-loving beheader
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Mr Markham later shouted to reporters: 'New York is great, man! I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art.' When asked whether he and Mr Lovelock were gay lovers, he shouted back, 'No' and told the reporters to go away. The 27-year-old is suspected of fleeing the UK on Friday after the dismembered body parts of Tristian Lovelock were discovered in Basingstoke, Hampshire."

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Blowing a baby on a dare
Tribune-Chronicle | Submitted by: anonymous
"A Youngstown teen-ager faces between three and 10 years in prison after pleading guilty Wednesday to rape after admitting to performing oral sex on an 18-month-old boy... She did this on a dare, [Defense Attorney] Consoldane said after the plea."

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Talking margarine to hit store shelves
New York Post | Submitted by: george_lazenby
"As you pass one of the tubs, a motion-sensor chip triggers a digital sound device that yells, Butter! And another chip makes the tub wiggle slightly." Technology run amok.

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Boy suspended for inhaling balloon helium
NewsNet5 | Submitted by: wingnut
"A seventh-grade Euclid boy was given detentions and suspended from recess for inhaling helium from a balloon while in school. The principal said that the act set a bad example for other students and violated school policy." Zero tolerance for... "abuse" of a substance no more dangerous than water.

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Korea makes a No-Dong missile
World Tribune | Submitted by: anonymous
How scary is a missile called the No-Dong? Well, Egypt bought 24 of the dickless wonders, and as anyone else might be, they are quite embarrassed to be caught with their No-Dongs. Particularly after pledging they wouldn't be trying to acquire No-Dongs. The reader may insert gay code as appropriate.

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Are Pitcairn Islanders pedophiles?
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: F. Christian
"Britain is believed to have started building a jail and courthouse on Pitcairn Island, fuelling speculation that sex charges are soon to be laid against some of its 40 residents... Inquiries were understood to have unearthed a decades-old practice of underage sex." This seems like a lot of work to judicially process what is already one of the world's most inbred populations.

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New nuclear power: Lashkar-e-Taiba
Times of India | Submitted by: John
"The latest in the series of nuclear scare statements from Pakistan comes from Lashkar-e-Taiba chief, Hafiz Muhammad Saeed. According to a statement posted in the website of his organisation, Saeed has claimed that people loyal to his organisation control two nuclear missiles."

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Beijing paper uses fake Onion as its own
CNN | Submitted by: Polar Bear
"Beijing's most popular newspaper has unwittingly republished a bogus story about U.S. Congress threats to skip town for Memphis or Charlotte unless Washington builds them a new Capitol building with a retractable dome roof. The source? America's celebrated spoof tabloid, the Onion."

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Sex-mad surgeons cause circumcision deaths
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: ama_doctor
Xhosa teenagers in South Africa are welcomed into manhood by having their foreskins chopped off - without anaesthetic - by amateur "doctors". The National House of Traditional Leaders says so many initiates die because the "surgeons" fail to abstain from sex before the operation.

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Mr. Rogers & whiny college bitches
ABC News | Submitted by: z0rak187
The propellerheads at Dartmouth are graduating soon, and that means a commencement speaker. The college president's choice? Mr. Fred Rogers: Man of Civility. "It's like Barney the dinosaur speaking at our graduation," said history major Michael Weiss. "We're 22 years old and we're getting lectured by a guy who plays with puppets for a living."

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Man creates own bank tries to cash $22M
Lincoln Journal Star | Submitted by: The Noon Lover
"According to a police report, Boyd drove through the Bank of Norfolk drive-up and gave teller Tammy Ferguson a check written to Curtis Boyd for $22million. Ferguson made a copy of the check and a copy of Boyd's driver's license and refused to deposit or cash the check. Boyd left the bank and returned a short time later with the name of the bank, Reality Perspective Bank, handwritten at the top of the check."

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Mother, daughter to stand trial for freezing corpse
Centre Daily | Submitted by: JuTravler
Authorities said Donley, a high school student, told them she moved the body to the freezer because it was deteriorating, but that her mother was too "out of it" and "whacked out" to deal with Duncan's death. McConnell visited her mother's body each day it was in the freezer and Donley continued to attend school, acting as if her grandmother was still alive, police said.

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ABC censors Son of God
Wire Services | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"ABC says it edited the word "Jesus" out of a recent broadcast so viewers wouldn't be offended. For many, it had the opposite effect. The bleeped Jesus on "The View" has drawn the ire of the Rev. Jerry Falwell, some conservative media watchdogs and even the women whose on-air conversation was altered..."It was stupid to beep that," co-host Star Jones said. "They let us say all kinds of things on TV, but they beep Jesus? That makes no sense."

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Raffle for child sex slaves
Oregon Live | Submitted by: Slick
"Police arrested a Forest Grove couple and their neighbor Thursday, charging them with setting up bizarre sex games, in which they would take turns having sex with two teen-age girls by drawing lots."

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Face The Music
New York Magazine | Submitted by: Soylent
"It is hard to think of a more profound business crisis. You've lost control of the means of distribution, promotion, and manufacturing. You've lost quality control: in some sense, there's been a quality-control coup. You've lost your basic business model: what you sell has become as free as oxygen. It's a philosophical as well as a business crisis, which compounds the problem, because the people who run the music business are not exactly philosophers. "They're thugs," says a former high-ranking music exec of my acquaintance, who is no shrinking violet himself."

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