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April 01, 2002

Woman breastfeeds monkey back to health
Japan Today | Submitted by: Anduril
"A woman breast-fed a rare monkey back to health after its life was endangered when its real mother ignored it after giving birth, the China Daily newspaper reported Monday... If the monkey had not suckled milk from the breast, it could have developed low immunity and become infected by life-threatening illnesses, center animal expert Wang Zhonglie was quoted as saying."

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EverQuest ends only with pain and death
Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel | Submitted by: iban
"The 21-year-old Hudson man was addicted to EverQuest, says his mother, Elizabeth Woolley of Osceola. He sacrificed everything so he could play for hours, ignoring his family, quitting his job and losing himself in a 3-D virtual world where more than 400,000 people worldwide adventure in a never-ending fantasy. On Thanksgiving morning last year, Shawn Woolley shot himself to death at his apartment in Hudson."

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A mideast April Fools
Guardian | Submitted by: cat
"The paper then added what - for Syria - was a risque touch of satire. Citing "private sources that had taken part in a secret meeting", it said the Syrian authorities had "studied ways of repatriating some $50bn stolen from state coffers and placed in foreign bank accounts". "The government has decided to reopen files on people implicated in major corruption scandals with a view to putting them on trial," it continued."

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The IBM death machine
Village Voice | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"IBM and the Nazis jointly designed, and IBM exclusively produced, technological solutions that enabled Hitler to accelerate and in many ways automate key aspects of his persecution of Jews, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others the Nazis considered enemies. Custom-designed, IBM-produced punch cards, sorted by IBM machines leased to the Nazis, helped organize and manage the initial identification and social expulsion of Jews and others, the confiscation of their property, their ghettoization, their deportation, and, ultimately, even their extermination."

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Anti-Unix site caught running Unix
c|Net | Submitted by: anonymous
"A Web site sponsored by Microsoft and Unisys as a way to steer big companies away from the Unix operating system is itself powered by Unix software. The site, dubbed "We have the way out," runs on Web servers powered by FreeBSD, an open-source version of Unix, along with the Unix-based Web server Apache, according to Netcraft, which tracks Web site information. Both pieces of software compete with Microsoft's Windows operating system. The Microsoft/Unisys site solicits names and contact information in exchange for research reports on data center trends."

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Don't expect those 40 acres, mule anytime soon
Seattle Times | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
During the Civil War, General Sherman issued Special Field Order No. 15, entitling the household of each freed slave "a plot of no more than forty acres of tillable ground" along the coastline between Charleston and Jacksonville. But Sherman's order was probably unenforceable after the Confederate surrender. Although the Johnson administration made a halfhearted attempt to follow through on acreage, all attempts to parcel out the land in question were abandoned only a few months later.

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Trainspotting-grade toilets
Tampa Tribune | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Perfect April Fool's gift: a gag toilet. When sat upon, the commode sprays fake crap. "Victims of either are struck only with water, but it might be hard to convince them of that. The toilets are adorned with latex and foam to depict just about whatever one might prefer were flushed away. With the right lighting, the water can be made to appear any color."

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April Fool jokes falling flat
Edmonton Sun | Submitted by: FalseProphet
"In a secret document obtained by The Sun, the city outlines its plan to factor the number of windows in new homes into property tax assessments. Specifically, they'll measure the square footage of sunlight available in new homes through the windows by sending out assessors equipped with light meters. "The sky over Edmonton is our domain to do with what we want," he said.

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Peeps under fire
San Diego Channel | Submitted by: Soylent
"First, we enlisted the help of the men and women of the San Diego Fire Department. After three consecutive falls from the department's five-story training tower, the mighty Peep smiled in defiance of our efforts... We brought a lavender foursome of Peeps to the San Diego Police Department's firing range, where an officer unloaded a round of 9 mm shots into the Peeps. Then they sustained several shotgun rounds. Admittedly, they were full of holes, but they didn't fall apart. Cops 0, Peeps 1."

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