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February 01, 2002

Live chickens slaughtered during opera | Submitted by: anonymous
Bonn Opera's The Barber of Seville is upsetting some patrons by slaughtering living chickens during the performance, and possibly giving erections to other patrons. There's a rule against slaughtering animals except for "understandable reasons". Prosecutor: "If we find this rule has been violated, those responsible may face a jail sentence of up to two years. They can definitely expect to pay a severe fine." Umm, what's not understandable. It's art. Besides, the opera's not over till the fat cock gets it. Oops, that came out wrong.

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New body piercing record set
Local6 | Submitted by: Rio
What better way to submit yourself to Darwin's mercy than perforating yourself repeatedly in the course of a day and exposing yourself to 301 possibly entry points of infection. And since a body normally has seven entry points to sexual penetration, perhaps this makes him 43 times more likely to have a date on Saturday night.

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Bong Hits for Jesus
Juneau Empire | Submitted by: Nyar
"Last Thursday, as the torch passed the high school on Glacier Avenue, senior Joseph Frederick and a group of about 20 other students and nonstudents standing across the street from JDHS unfurled a 15-by-3-foot white paper banner with their message [BONG HITS FOR JESUS] emblazoned in duct tape." Drugs may bring you closer to god, but letting the world know gets you suspended.

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More proof that drugs bring you closer to God
Kewanee Star-Courier | Submitted by: PvtJoker
Pastor Jeffrey J. Windy of St. Patrick's Catholic Church in Sheffield, IL was arrested on charges of manufacture of GHB. The drug is known as "Grievous Bodily Harm" and is a well-known and rather dangerous date-rape drug. You might be wondering what a priest would be doing with a date rape drug. We've also been wondering for years why priests have altar boys. But the pieces are coming together! We'll get to the bottom of this...

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Lesbian bar raid tossed
Canadian Broadcasting | Submitted by: Halifax
"On Thursday, Justice Peter Hryn dismissed those charges, arguing male officers should never have gone into the Pussy Palace, because it amounted to a strip search of the 350 women who were there. And that, he said, violated their Charter rights." One must admire a Charter that respects... hot... lesbian... pussy.

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Lawsuit damns dirty apes
Associated Press | Submitted by: Ginna
A man is suing the studios and makers of "The Planet Of The Apes" remake because he says the dust in a desert fight scene hurt his lungs. Jeffrey Clark accuses Fox Entertainment Group of "alleged fraud, battery, conspiracy, and negligence." Did he not read the screenplay? What part of "dirty ape" did he miss, we wonder. Mind you, this was the most non-toxic dirt available.

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