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April 12, 2002

Time traveler assassinated Hitler, other Nazis
Boston Herald | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
What are you supposed to do when the archangel Michael intends to send you back in time to kill Hitler in his Berlin bunker? Software engineer Michael McDermott says he found out the hard way. "I would be transported back in time to 1940 to a German bunker in Berlin to kill Hitler and six architects. He told me I was to identify them by their swastika armbands." Two weeks later, McDermott packed a travel kit and brought it to work: an AK-47, an elephant gun, a pump-action shotgun and boxes of ammunition. Then he swallowed some painkillers and vodka, and walked into the lobby of the Edgewater Technology building. There he intoned the magic phrase "I need to go to H.R." and a time portal opened to 1940 Berlin. Then he started shooting Nazis. "I believed the fastest way to kill them was with a bullet through the brain." Luckily for us, McDermott was ultimately successful. "The last Nazi was there. I shot him. And Hitler was there. I shot and killed him."

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Shark researcher suffers ironic accident
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Ogrish
Erich Ritter, Ph.D. is one of the world's most famous shark experts. In his many years of research, Ritter has never been bitten. His secret? The ability to modulate his pulse rate, on top of a keen understanding of shark body language. But these tricks failed Wednesday when, in front of a Discovery Channel crew, he got a hunk of his left calf bitten off by a big lemon shark.

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The Swindler Prince of New York City
Village Voice | Submitted by: Son of Benway
College dropout? Want a Diners Club card with a quarter-million dollar limit? No problem, if your dad is best buddies with Mayor Giuliani! Impress your friends with staggering fraud! From cigarettes to Spago, from bagels to the Bellagio, just put it on the tab. And be sure to spill the beans to your friend from an AOL chatroom that you've never actually met.

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USA best retirement destination for foreign torturers
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
In spite of a 1994 federal law criminalizing torture perpetrated anywhere on earth, torturers from around the world are relocating to the United States... evidently without fear of capture. Whether you're a sadist from Bosnia, a Salvadoran military leader, or a Somali warlord, America is the land of acceptance and opportunity. Want specifics? Consider the Ethiopian prison guard who was proven to have tortured women in his own country, but the INS chose to grant him U.S. citizenship anyway. Or the Bosnian-Serb soldier who beat his prisoners, staged mock executions, and even forced one inmate "to lick his own blood off a police station wall," who settled comfortably near Atlanta. Or the Haitian colonel found guilty of directing a massacre in his homeland, who won $3.2 million in the Florida state lottery.

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PA Town's Scatophobia Well Justified
Wire Services | Submitted by: aeon
"At first, the neighbors of a new hog farm were upset about the persistent, sour smell. Lately, the odor hasn't been the worst of their concerns. Late last month, diluted liquid manure from approximately 2,100 hogs spilled over from a 770,000 gallon lagoon, swamped a tiny brook and emptied into the town's most treasured waterway, Brush Creek." New location for Camp X-Ray?

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A pox on our name, says STD's mayor
Tiscali World Online | Submitted by: Lou
In much of the English-speaking world the letters STD stand for, well, "Sexually Transmitted Disease". This does not jive well with some folks on New Zealand's North Island, in what they call the South Taranaki District, who are seeking a name change. But we fear our suggestion of "Alternative Island District Specification" won't be taken seriously.

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Russian spies detail charges of U.S. spying
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: M. Glusker
"U.S. spies used drugged cookies and drinks to break the will of a Russian defense employee and recruit him as an agent, according to new details of the FSB allegations published Thursday." The Russian agency claims that "the CIA once delivered secret instructions to their agent in invisible ink that melted away when he used Russian tap water to develop them: The Americans will never defeat us because they will never figure out that our tap water differs from that in Langley."

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