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December 20, 2002

Baptist school strips boys in search for pooper
New York Daily News | Submitted by: Penfold
"Two employees at the Concord Baptist Elementary School were supsended for strip searching 8-10 year olds, looking to find a phantom pooper who took a shit on the bathroom floor. The teachers, one of whom was caught wearing rubber gloves, ordered the boys to drop their pants and bend over so they could inspect them for signs of defecation. "Mommy, get me out of here," David told his mother when she stormed into the classroom to rescue her son. "They're making us take off our underwear."

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Wang cuts off wang
WDIV-TV 4 Detroit | Submitted by: PISTdetroit
"An Oak Park has pleaded guilty to castrating another man in his kitchen... A Birmingham man went to Wang's home after he discovered the service in an advertisement on the Internet."

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Ex-con fabricates a worse, not better, past
Sacramento Bee | Submitted by: queasytick
"I have been living a lie," he told the hushed crowd seated in the community meeting room. "I am truly sorry for violating the trust that you've shown me." But those who know the conflicting cultures of life on the street and life in recovery say Bonacci was trapped somewhere in between, boasting of violent stints in prison that made him seem tougher to some and more inspirational to others."

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Reindeer can't join in games
Charlotte Observer | Submitted by: SeMeN SPeRmS
"Half a dozen reindeer herds that usually spend the Christmas season prancing in parades and around shopping malls have been grounded this year not by bad weather at the North Pole, but by government officials who fear the animals could spread chronic wasting disease... "I don't know what we're going to do," said Cindy Gillaspie. "Maybe we'll turn them all into sausage." Delicious!

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Welcome to the New World Order
The Memory Hole | Submitted by: Meerkat
"John Poindexter's Information Awareness Office has... removed its eye-death-ray logo, which was denounced far and wide as being Orwellian, Masonic, and just plain creepy as hell." The old logo has been preserved here.

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Bush wants to spy on people through internet
Toronto Star | Submitted by: Meerkat
"The Bush administration wants Internet service providers to help build a centralized system to enable broad monitoring of the World Wide Web and, potentially, real-time surveillance of its users." Too bad the article is written by John Markoff.

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Science project results in refereed journal
Reuters | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
They were investigating brain freeze: "The subjects for Maya's experiment were 145 students from Dalewood Middle School in Hamilton, Canada. Half of the kids were instructed to eat about two scoops of vanilla ice cream so that some was still left in the bowl after 30 seconds. The other students were told to eat all of their ice cream in less than 5 seconds. Then all kids were asked to report whether or not they developed a headache."

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Fetus Bingo
Time | Submitted by: Sketch
A priceless photo of wayward teen girls who are knocked up, playing Fetus Bingo. Yeah baby.

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Author of deadbeat dad book facing jail
Philadelphia Inquirer | Submitted by: anonymous
"The author of a book on how to keep from paying child support could be headed for prison for being a deadbeat dad... Morrison wrote the book "Divorce Dirty Tricks," which provides advice on avoiding child support obligations."

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Santa is a narc
Norman Transcript | Submitted by: Dandy Rieger
"Santa Claus still makes a list and checks it twice, but sometimes his methods are a little unconventional. For example, [he] recently used a police radio at Normanís Dimensions Academy, the cityís alternative elementary school, to verify that students had been good rather than bad during the past year. Once he got a 'clean report' on all the children, he and some assistants, all from the Norman Police Department, distributed gifts..."

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End of the line for Meinhof terrorist brain
New Jersey Online | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The brain of a notorious Red Army Faction terrorist was buried alongside the rest of her body after a university that performed research on the organ was forced to return it, officials said Friday... Meinhof was considered the intellectual head of the Red Army Faction, a left-wing revolutionary group that spread fear across West Germany in the 1970s and into the 1980s after her death."

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Germans brace for nationwide DT's
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"German drinkers could be about to face their worst nightmare, a beer shortage. The potential trickle in the supply of the nation's favourite tipple is due to new government regulations restricting deposits of disposable cans and bottles... Beer is among the most important drinks in Germany, accounting for as much as half of the daily intake of fluids for some people... Vending machines often have beer and the drink can be ordered at fast-food restaurants."

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Dr. Laura's mother has fucked up death
CNN | Submitted by: Gauss
"Police said a woman's body was found in Schlessinger's mother's apartment earlier in the week. The woman, the apparent victim of a homicide, had been dead for several weeks, said Lt. Gary Gilmond of the Beverly Hills Police Department... "My mother shut all her family out of her life over the years, though we made several futile attempts to stay connected. May God rest her soul."

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Catholic Church covers up for IRA
Guardian | Submitted by: Tobermory
Good to see dodgy Catholic Priests have hobbies other than paedophilia: "The British government and the Catholic church were involved in an astonishing cover-up to shield a priest suspected of leading the IRA team responsible for one of Northern Ireland's worst ever bomb atrocities... (A) letter (after the attack) indicated that the cardinal knew that the priest was behaving improperly." No shit.

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S.F. may soon see psychics regulated
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Brown Finger
"The future looked cloudy for dozens of fortune-tellers and psychics in San Francisco on Thursday after legislation was proposed to require them to obtain permits, post their rates and stop tricking their clients." Nobody saw this coming.

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Nobody wants Hitler
Wire Services | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"Adolf Hitler might have been born in Germany and not, as long believed, in the small Austrian border town of Braunau, a German author says. Egon Fein, a historian who has just published a book on the Nazi dictator, said on Friday that in his research he found indications Hitler was born north of the Austrian town of Braunau in the German town Simbach."

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Smooth sailing on a sea of shit
New York Post | Submitted by: Milk Bone
A short story with a happy ending: "The dirty secret behind the outbreak of stomach illness on 21 cruises this year is that the cause is other cruise ships in the narrow Caribbean shipping lanes... The big ships routinely dump raw sewage into the ocean. Ships following behind then draw in the polluted sea water for their desalinization plants, which take out the salt, but not all the bacteria."

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The Irish Question solved: Fucking
MSNBC | Submitted by: harley
Ireland's new plan to recieve independence from England: have lots of unprotected sex. A united Ireland will happen when there is a majority of Catholics living in Northern Ireland, and the Catholics are so far winning. "Sinn Feinís goal is to have a Catholic majority by 2016, the 100-year anniversary of the Easter Rising."

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