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November 13, 2002

Masturbators trigger terror alert
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Ross
"The three men, sailors returning to their homes in the central Pacific nation of Kiribati after a long spell at sea, aroused the suspicion of staff on their Cathay Pacific flight when documents they were carrying appeared to relate to the September 11, 2001 attacks in the United States, officials at Charles de Gaulle airport said." It was actually pornography for masturbation.

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Cat gets Ph.D, APA board certification
ABA Journal | Submitted by: Ral Aegidius
"Zoe D. Katze has an impressive looking set of credentials: Ph.D., C.Ht., DAPA. She has been board certified by three major hypnotherapy associations and holds diplomate status in the American Psychotherapy Association. Not bad for a 6-year-old house cat. And not even a pedigreed one at that."

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Gay love gone terribly wrong
Minneapolis Star Tribune | Submitted by: JohnnyBoy
What do you get when you mix the internet, a male airline stewardess, a gas mask, and an unexpected phone call? Gay sex gone oh so terribly wrong: "Bailey told police that the phone rang while Brodnax was in the gas mask and that Bailey lost track of time, the complaint said. When he returned, Brodnax was dead."

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Wrong-way driver waved to police
ic Wales | Submitted by: The Good Doctor
"A retired accountant who was almost four times over the drink-driving limit smiled and waved at police as he drove the wrong way down the fast lane of a motorway, a court heard today. "How did they know I was going the wrong way? I didn't even tell them where I was going!"

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Bug eats antibiotic
Detroit Free Press | Submitted by: John Trotter
"Her sores were infected with a virulent new strain of the bacterium staphylococcus aureus, or staph aureus. By stealing genetic material from another bug, the new strain became totally resistant to vancomycin, the longtime drug of last defense against it. Health officials would not identify the metro Detroit woman or what hospital treated her."

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The human Swiss Army Knife
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Dark Pa
"An eccentric Frenchman who goes by the name of Crazy Eric has entered the record books for the unusual feat of carrying permanently about his body more than 1,000 useful objects... he carries a shaving kit, comprehensive first aid gear, a mini-saw, blow-up mattress, spare batteries, a change of clothes, a water-pouch, a water-filtering unit, soldering iron, tape-measure, digital camera, etc etc." Stupid.

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Secret garden gnome hideout discovered
Independent Online | Submitted by: David Liberman
"Puzzled French police are investigating after a mushroom hunter stumbled on an unexpected find in the middle of a pine forest in south-west France: 101 garden gnomes." They are investigating whether the newly discovered coven is related to the mysterious Front for the Liberation of Gnomes.

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Trains lick thirsty camels racing on the track
The Age | Submitted by: Dark Pa
"When the train comes, you blow the whistle, but they get on the line and run down the line, and a train can outrun a camel, even at flat-tack. It's a natural culling process because when you get run over by a train you don't come back for a second opportunity, but it's a stinking way of culling them."

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Fugitives pick wrong hideout
Wire Services | Submitted by: Spookbabe
"Suspected thieves on the run from Australian police picked precisely the wrong place to hide on Monday, the prime minister's heavily guarded harborside residence in Sydney."

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Mom cheers as son pummels officer
Pittsburgh Tribune-Review | Submitted by: drewicide
"As a Sheraden woman watched her 17 year old son pummel a probation officer after a hearing Tuesday at Shuman Juvenile Detention Center, police said she kept egging him on, screaming "Kill him! Get him! He deserves this!" They're both in jail, now.

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Hockey team signs 7'7 Dinka tribesman
ESPN | Submitted by: Cr0w
Manute Bol, of NBA and celebrity boxing fame, has signed a contract to play for the Indianapolis Ice of the Central Hockey League. It seems like this is all just a publicity scam and that Bol will not get to play, especially since they don't make hockey equiptment for people who are 7'7" tall.

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PETA still not making friends
Canadian Broadcasting | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Vancouver-area pig farmer Robert William Pickton is alleged to be Canada's most prolific serial killer, as he is currently facing 15 murder counts. And the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) have decided that this opportunity is too good not to capitalize on. So they have devised a newspaper ad inviting comparisons between the fates of Pickton's victims, both human and porcine. The ad proffers a set of headlines seemingly ripped from the murder investigation: "They were drugged and dragged across the room... Their struggles and cries went unanswered... They were slaughtered and their heads sawed off..." Then the ad equates raising livestock with animal cruelty, and goes on to imply that the meat industry is a training camp for serial killers. After the Vancouver Province rejected the ad for publication, PETA issued a statement which reads in part: "People who are appalled by Pickton's alleged acts think nothing of sitting down to a dinner featuring the cut-up bits of a tormented animal's body." Great work, guys. It's not like this will further marginalize your already unpopular cause.

Read article... and This article...

David Duke and milk equally evil, says PETA
New Orleans Channel | Submitted by: joelvis
"An animal rights group has made David Duke the poster boy for intolerance. A picture of Duke, a former Ku Klux Klan leader, is on a Shreveport billboard put up by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals encouraging people not to drink milk. Sporting the white mustache that has become the trademark for the "Got Milk?" campaign, Duke's picture carries the caption: "Got (lactose) intolerance? The white stuff ain't the right stuff."

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Woman charged with naked Bible study
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Authorities in West Virginia have charged a nude Bible reader with indecent exposure. The 49 year old woman has also been charged with disturbance of school and disorderly conduct. Police say Barbara Harmison's clothes were in a pile beside her as she read from the Bible on the steps of a building at Shepherd College Monday."

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Prehistoric cyborgs and modern Man
Pravda | Submitted by: Natas
The latest Pravda sensation: "What is especially interesting, it is supposed that some of the internals and several parts of the brain were made of unknown artificial materials. It may be that they were created in a step-wise manner in the course of very complicated operations; the operations were performed on a more perfect level compared with todayís operations."

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Eleven yr old Woody sucked naked from shower
New York Times | Submitted by: Tribal Outsider
Could we make this up? The New York Times reports that "Quentin Woody, 11, who was sucked from the shower in his mobile home and blown 300 yards away stark naked..." The rest of this article is run of the mill tornado reporting. We really credit the author, for being able to get that line into the New York Times. If I were the author, I'd feel this was the zenith of my career.

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Sucking machine gives near-fatal blow
Edinburgh News | Submitted by: meatload
"The family of James Johnston, from Bonnyrigg, are taking legal action against the Western General after he was left critically ill in intensive care. His mother, Angela, 46, said a doctor had told her a machine used to 'suck' a stone from her sonís kidney had actually been blowing gas and air into the organ by mistake."

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Florida police hunt Champagne Bandit
Anchorage Daily News | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
Nice to know all the REAL criminals are behind bars in Florida: "Police are looking for a rather finicky shoplifter: a man who apparently likes Moet & Chandon White Star champagne. The man, called the "Champagne Bandit," has stolen $30 bottles of the bubbly from Publix supermarkets along central Florida's east coast, according to the St. Lucie County Sheriff's office."

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Spiderman Sr. sues Marvel
MSNBC | Submitted by: kade
"The creative force behind Spider-Man, the Incredible Hulk and the X-Men filed a $10 million lawsuit Tuesday, charging his old comic book company is cheating him out of millions of dollars in movie profits. Stan Lee, who crafted a menagerie of superpowered heroes with very human flaws, now claims Marvel Entertainment Inc. has tried to shut him out of the 'jackpot' success of this summer's Spider-Man movie."

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Bitch betta have my money
WDIV-TV 4 Detroit | Submitted by: PISTdetroit
"The man, who police say is known as "Q," had reportedly been recruiting prostitutes to commit bank robberies for him. Detectives knew from previous cases that the female suspects would hide in nearby restaurants and hair salons after the robberies, police said. The man would provide the women with a note, a disguise and a bag for money."

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Turtle fixed with sealant
BBC | Submitted by: funkmastersilv
Baby turtle born. Crack in shell. Sealant used. Everyboody happy. Apparently a very, very slow news day at the BBC.

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Disabled man beat veteran to death
Boston Herald | Submitted by: Angus Beef
"A disabled golf ball collector who allegedly beat a Quincy grandfather to death boasted that the victim 'got what he deserved' because he had tried to swipe his prized booty, a prosecutor said yesterday." Great photos of menacing perp in his wheelchair.

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Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament
Canadian Press | Submitted by: EnDoRpHiN
"Rock, paper, scissors, the popular childhood game of chance, will be played by 250 adults this weekend in an international championship with $2,000 in prizes, proving the age-old pastime is no longer played only to determine who gets the last slice of pizza or the shotgun seat in a car."

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Father wants rest of son shipped home ASAP
ABC News | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"The body of a Spanish bullfighter murdered in Peru was missing his eyes, brain and heart and was stuffed with sawdust and pages from a telephone directory before being sent home, his father said. [The body] left Peru without eyes, without a brain... There was just a big hole in his head... He didn't have his lungs, heart, liver or intestines, absolutely nothing... The eyes were also removed and there was woman's skin on his face, which we think was put there to cover up scars from abuse and torture."

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Men fed woman to lions
Independent Online | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
"The one grinned and then shook his head in disbelief, while his accomplice sat quietly in the dock with a stern look behind his spectacles. This was how two men, convicted of brutally mutilating a woman and feeding her body parts to lions, reacted when the Chinese interpreter told them they had been found guilty. [The victim] was killed, chopped to pieces, boiled and disposed off at the Lion Park in Fourways."

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Crackdown: No more peeing in the sink
Green Bay Press-Gazette | Submitted by: Milk Bone
"Green Bay police said there were no arrests Sunday for men urinating in sinks at Lambeau Field. Only six days earlier, police were cuffing and ticketing people by the dozen for the unsanitary offense. "It was a lot better," said Green Bay police Cmdr. Al Timmerman. "The problem of people urinating in the sinks all but disappeared. They apparently got the message that, if you go in the sink, youíre going to get arrested. We accomplished what we wanted to do."

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