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October 10, 2002

Mad dentist finally caught
Gazeta | Submitted by: Gazeta.Ru
"A 45 year old man detained in the city of Chelyabinsk, in the Urals, is suspected of molesting children in a particularly unusual and sinister way. The police had been searching for the criminal, nicknamed 'the Dentist', since 1996. The maniac would enter elevators together with young children aged around 6 to 12, stop the elevator between floors, and after injecting anesthetic into the victims’ gums, would pull their teeth out with a pair of pliers."

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Auschwitz tattoo began as an IBM number
Village Voice | Submitted by: George W. Business
"This latest disclosure removes any pretext of deniability and completes the puzzle that has been put together about IBM in Poland," says Malcolm Hoenlein, executive vice chairman of the New York–based Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations. "The picture that emerges is most disturbing... The news that IBM machines were at Auschwitz is just the latest smoking gun."

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Man puts firecracker in penis
Philadelphia Inquirer | Submitted by: Sick Puppy
"A Trenton man recently inserted a nail and a firecracker into his penis (his urethra, to be specific) and then walked across a bridge to the Morrisville, Pa., police station for help. Morrisville police said they didn't know why he did either thing. The name of the self-mutilator has been withheld to prevent confusion with guys of the same or similar names who do NOT put objects into their penises."

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Nurse reuses needles, gives 50+ hepatitis
Oklahoman | Submitted by: D. Rango
More than 50 people in Oklahoma now have hepatitis C thanks to a health care worker who recycled needles. "James C. Hill, a nurse anesthetist, told health officials he reused needles and syringes up to 25 times a day to inject pain medication through intravenous tubes at a pain management clinic in Norman and two surgical centers in Oklahoma City. Such reuse of needles can spread the disease, which can lead to serious liver damage, cancer and death."

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Child, 91 cats, found in feces filled home
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"An 8 year old girl, 91 cats and one old dog have been removed from a home where they had been living in filth with the child's parents, who were charged with child neglect, authorities say. Police and Panhandle Animal Welfare Society officials said the home of Milan and Cynthia Jurkovic, who were arrested Wednesday and remained jailed Thursday, was covered in cat feces and reeked of urine."

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FBI probes Barbie lynching
Atlanta Journal-Constitution | Submitted by: f00f
Lowndes County High School officials are asking the FBI to investigate the mock lynching of a black-painted Barbie doll on campus as a possible hate crime... "She came home and told me a white boy had a Barbie doll painted black with a rope around its neck like he was hanging the doll," Bradley said. "It scared her. This is her first year in high school." [Must a crime actually be committed for it to be a hate crime? This seems more like just hate, which is not a crime.]

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The lactation technician is here to help
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"Toronto police accuse a man of groping new moms, after claiming to be a lactation technician. According to authorities, Scott told the mothers he was hired to help them breastfeed their new babies. But the hospital noted only women have those sorts of jobs."

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Filthy and stupid in Edinburgh
Johnson County Daily Journal | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"The arrest of an Edinburgh couple Tuesday marked the third time in nine days that police in Johnson County had found a child living in filthy conditions with pet feces... Until the Edinburgh "cat room" case made headlines last week, people may not have realized that keeping a child in extremely filthy conditions is a crime."

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Toddler brings crack to preschool
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Kids like to bring things to school, even when it isn't show 'n tell. So when a four-year-old boy pulls out an unlabeled brown bottle, it's not that strange. But it caught the attention of a teacher, who opened it to discover something not unlike rock candy. Except instead of "candy," substitute the word "cocaine." Which, of course, could kill a toddler. So what reward does the teaching staff receive for preventing the possible death of a pupil? Mandatory drug tests, of course.

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Consumers are big useless donkeys
online.ie | Submitted by: KC
"Phonetastic UK, based in Newport, Gwent, sent a text message that stated: "You are a dick and I am going to kick your head in ya big useless donkey. UPGRADE UR MOB 0800 0859362".

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Family loses $650K home over a $50 check
Orange County Register | Submitted by: jedibreath
"On Tuesday, a judge called the foreclosure horrendous. He told the family to stay put in its five-bedroom home and suggested how the Alonsos' case against the bank should be resolved. "You folks get together and undo this transaction," Orange County Superior Court Judge James P. Gray told Washington Mutual Bank's attorney."

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The Big Cypress Scam
Miami New Times | Submitted by: LucrezaBorgia
The federal government gives one of Bush's connected friends a "gift" by purchasing mineral rights to a swap (worth perhaps $15M) for a generous $120M. Quite a generous gift: "Taxpayers are being asked to spend millions but gain nothing of real value. Indeed the Colliers and others have drilled for oil on preserve lands for 60 years. Today nine oil wells operate on two fields: Raccoon Point and Bear Island. Strict regulations limit how much preserve acreage can be devoted to oil drilling at any given time; the two existing fields leave room for about two more the size of Raccoon Point. Moreover, buying out the Colliers does nothing to stop drilling by the hundreds of others who hold mineral rights on the preserve."

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Massively parallel yodel
Independent Online | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
Useless Excuse for News: "A band of 937 yodellers in southern Germany has set a new world record for the "largest simultaneous yodel" by holding their melody for a full minute. In their effort to beat an existing record of 807 people set in Dublin, the yodellers held songbooks in front of them during the concert."

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Schoolbus driver narc'd out by passengers
Calgary Herald | Submitted by: The Beaver
A school bus driver was arrested by Canadian Mounted Police after one of his passengers called 911 on a cell phone to report him for drunk driving. Apparently he was driving erratically, and when the kids complained, he got beligerent with them. His employer ordered him by radio to stop by the road, and when put in a police cruiser, he was so drunk he passed out. The court gave him 6 months in jail and a 5 year driving ban.

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Nobel winner was LAST in his class
Daily Yomiuri | Submitted by: Otis Criblecross
"Masatoshi Koshiba, one of the three winners of this year's Nobel Prize in Physics, on Wednesday provided evidence of his earlier claim he was the worst student in his university class by making public a copy of a transcript issued by his alma mater, Tokyo University."

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Before the Flood, there was no Moon
Pravda | Submitted by: anonymous
Pravda starting to sound like Chariots of the Gods: "As it turns out, a lot of myths, legends, and tales say that there used to be no Moon in the sky. The Moon appeared after the Great Flood. This was noticed by the people who lived in the south of Greece, as well as by African tribes and others. However, there were a lot of ebb and flow traces found in many ancient cities. As is well known, it's is the Moon that causes ebbs and flows. This does not coincide with the no-Moon theory before the Flood. However, if there was no Moon, then maybe there was another celestial body to fulfil its functions?"

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Teen sues BK for prank strip search
Indianapolis Star | Submitted by: 46th St.
"A caller claiming to be a policeman asked if there was a girl working the front counter. The caller told the supervisor he was investigating the alleged theft of a purse by an employee. Following instructions from the caller, the supervisor, who is not a defendant in the suit, allegedly told the teen to remove all of her clothes... The supervisor was asked by the caller to describe the girl's hair color and length, as well as her tan lines." The police always ask about tan lines. It's their conclusive evidence.

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Fire department threatens to quit over beer
Cedar Rapids Gazette | Submitted by: Count Smacula
"The Elgin Fire Department, which was forced to turn in its beer last week, turned in its two-weeks' notice last night. Unless City Council member Jean Roach is either gone or on her way out by Oct. 23, Fire Chief Ron Hills and the other 20 members of the department will quit, they said in separate statements released last night."

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Cleveland's tattoo ban thrives the underground
Cleveland Scene | Submitted by: Shana
Cleveland is run by idiots: "Even city council members seem unable to explain the regulatory nightmare. West Side Councilwoman Dona Brady says that because tattoo parlors are zoned as "adult use," giving shops permanent status would allow them to reopen as strip clubs. Asked whether the solution might be to simply exclude parlors from treatment as adult businesses, Brady admits, "I'm at a loss as to why they're classified as adult businesses."

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Lemony fresh AIDS
Australian Broadcasting | Submitted by: anonymous
It's difficult to say whether this interview went well: "ROGER SHORT: Well, this is the acid test. Here's some fresh human sperm and some fresh lemon juice, and we're going to look at it under the microscope. JONICA NEWBY: Seconds after adding the lemon juice, it's all over for the sperm. ROGER SHORT: Have a look at that. God! It's a graveyard."

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Phillippines prez waiting for Message from God
Straits Times | Submitted by: Orpyak
"Photographs of the former economics professor splashing in the surf in a wetsuit, posing with police beside the bodies of slain criminals and once famously with Cabinet colleagues in a recreation of the Men In Black movie poster have adorned newspaper front pages in recent months."

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Darwin Thwarted
Galveston County Daily News | Submitted by: f00f
"On the show, Juston said, a stuntman showed how he set himself on fire, step by step. Juston let his friend wrap his arm in paper towels, douse it in gasoline and put a lit match to it, as he said he had seen the stuntman do. The stunt left Juston with second and third degree burns from the tips of the fingers on his left hand to his left elbow... Juston, a member of the Silbernagel’s fourth grade Gifted and Talented program, admitted allowing his friend to set him on fire was not the smartest thing he had ever done." Will he be dropped from the program?

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Medicinal marijuana users sue feds
CNN | Submitted by: BigNutz
"The lawsuit contends the four plaintiffs grow their own marijuana solely for their own medical use within the borders of California, thus removing any federal authority under interstate commerce laws. The suit also claims constitutional protection under clauses guaranteeing state sovereignty and due process."

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Gene found for big, firm sheep rumps
Duke University Medical Center | Submitted by: anonymous
Scientists have discovered a sheep gene called Callipyge, which is Greek for "beautiful buttocks." Sheep that inherit this gene from their father have bigger, firmer, more rounded buttocks than sheep without the gene. Cheesecake photo compares both types of sheep, from the appropriate angle. Baby got back!

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Pentagon details biowar testing in Hawaii
Honolulu Advertiser | Submitted by: emwonku
Oahu was like little Baghdad: "Thousands of people on O'ahu were exposed to biological material during Cold War-era government experiments, Defense Department officials said yesterday... Military officials also revealed for the first time that deadly chemical agents, including the nerve agents sarin and VX, were tested on the Big Island, but they insisted that no civilians were exposed."

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Russians stick heads in sand
Christian Science Monitor | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
"Working in 50 exploratory pits, Memorial has so far retrieved scores of skulls, each with a bullet hole in its base; the hallmark of execution by Stalin's agents. "Everywhere we dig, we find evidence that thousands were shot here by the Soviet secret police," says volunteer Lev Krylenkov, whose own grandfather may be buried here. "We believe this entire forest, several square kilometers, is one huge mass grave."

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Dropped wallet ends burglary spree
Spokane Spokesman-Review | Submitted by: psykopyxie
"Everything we needed was in that billfold: picture ID, pawn shop claim tickets, the detective's business card," he said. "It's like, here's who I am. Here's where I live. Here's who to call to come and get me."

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Did MI5 hire al-Qaeda to kill Gaddafi in 86?
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Rev. Soror Lucy Cannon
"The British media have been gagged from reporting sensational courtroom evidence of the former MI5 spy David Shayler, including his alleged proof that the secret service paid UKP 100,000 ($280,000 at current exchange rates) for al-Qaeda terrorists to try to assassinate Libya's leader, Muammar Gaddafi, in 1986."

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