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September 18, 2002

FBI went after MAD Magazine for 20 years
Counterpunch | Submitted by: Otis Criblecross
"The bureau's documents on the magazine cover the years 1957-1971, and consist of 36 separate files. How many hours in the working lives of trench-coated investigators these yellowing documents represent we cannot say, but we do know, because the files tell us, the hilarious upshot of Hoover's sledgehammer being applied to the Mad nuts."

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Come out and vote, win a Corvette
Indiana Daily Student | Submitted by: Incubus
A novel idea by the Indiana University Student Association in Bloomington is whipping up a controversy on campus. For its "Vote Hard" campaign, the group bought a new, cream-and-crimson-colored Corvette and is offering students a chance to win it if they vote in the November election. As if that weren't incentive enough, they've also thrown in two $5,000 scholarships for their second and third place winners. Go Hoosiers!

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Put the foot down, and spray some silage
Sun | Submitted by: Concerned
"The model is so rare it is of more interest to collectors than his other Porsche, a sporty Carerra 911 worth UKP 50,000. Company boss Peter spotted the rusty hulk for sale in a farming magazine and paid UKP 2,000 to have it shipped to Britain from Brazil... Peter, 70, was given a hero’s welcome last week when he turned up at the Porsche factory in Stuttgart, Germany, with the bright orange tractor on a low-loader."

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Eighty-five year woman beats shit out of robber
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: Incubus
"An 85-year-old woman, angered that a would-be robber was scaring a cashier, beat the man with her cane and foiled the robbery, New Kensington police said... The elderly woman then beat the man in the head with her metal cane and he fled, knocking her down. The woman 'had some choice words for him while she was sitting on the floor,' Laporte said."

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Roman noses not good for the blind
Wire Services | Submitted by: bobdole
"A 36-ton marble sculpture of the Roman god Janus was partially designed with disabled people in mind. But it has run afoul of a federal law that protects them: It may be dangerous for blind people... The Americans with Disabilities Act mandates anything that protrudes 4 inches or more above a height of 28 inches requires some kind of warning for blind people using canes."

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No spanish speaking in my cab
Houston Chronicle | Submitted by: Paratact
"After Camargo answered two calls in Spanish en route to the Adams Mark Hotel, the driver pulled over, took his suitcase out of the trunk and tried to physically force the Colombian businessman out of the back seat. Harris County Sheriff's deputies have ticketed the driver, Tony Mitchell, on a charge of misdemeanor assault."

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Police massacre cows in New Zealand
Stuff NZ | Submitted by: jsr
"Police used rifles and pistols to shoot badly injured cows last night after a south-bound freight train ploughed into a herd of more than 50 cows south of Auckland. Dead and dying cows were strewn along more than a kilometre of track abut 7.30pm near Tuakau, 10km southeast of Pukekohe."

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Earths second moon gleamed titanium white
University of Arizona | Submitted by: JJ
Some idiot went and painted that new moon: "Rather than looking like a known asteroid, the colors were consistent with the spectral properties of an object covered with white Titanium oxide (TiO) paint... the object is no asteroid or other natural object, but a piece of man-made space junk." and "There is also a fairly good chance that J002E3 might crash into the moon at some point."

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Woman's DNA found at pig farm
Canadian Press | Submitted by: Gorg
"The DNA of another of the more than 50 women who have vanished from the city's gritty downtown eastside has been found at a Vancouver-area pig farm that is the focus of a massive police search, BC-CTV news reported Tuesday."

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Mass rat poison murder confession
Taipei Times | Submitted by: Gorg
Followup: "A man jealous of a business rival has confessed to spiking his competitor's breakfast snacks with rat poison which made hundreds sick and killed 38 people in eastern China, state television said yesterday. Tangshan residents were shocked to see customers at the tiny Heshengyuan Soy Milk chain store collapse, some bleeding from the mouth and ears, after eating there Saturday morning."

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Pointless net censorship in Australia
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: El Asso Fisto
"Australian Jews have won a landmark ruling ordering an Adelaide man to stop publishing racially offensive material on the Internet. Frederick Toben, a former schoolteacher and the country's foremost Holocaust denier, has seven days to strip his Web site of material vilifying Jews. Jeremy Jones, president of the Executive Council of Australian Jewry, which brought the action, said the ruling was "a stunning victory" against organised racism, with international implications for the Internet's use." [Why does anyone even care what this man has to say? His site features animated UFO's for fuck's sake.]

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WTC swan dives immortalized in bronze
New York Post | Submitted by: ian m.
"A violently disturbing sculpture popped up last week in the middle of Rockefeller Center's busy underground concourse, right in front of the ice-skating rink. It depicts a naked woman, limbs flailing, face contorted, at the exact moment her head smacks pavement following her leap from the flaming World Trade Center... Since it's planted in one of the city's best traveled locations, tourists, stroller-pushing moms and office workers, many of whom lost friends and colleagues in the trade-center atrocity, are confronted daily with a larger-than-life rendition of a grotesque episode."

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Hottie anarchist sues redneck principal
Court TV | Submitted by: z0rak187
"The school's principal, Forrest Mann, suspended Katie for three days and forbid her to wear the controversial shirts, saying that her behavior was "disrupting school activity." Mann says his job is to guarantee students a safe school and good education, which became impossible in the volatile environment resulting from the controversy. Mann also denied Katie's request to start an anarchy club." Second link is the club flyer.

Read article... and This article...

American Idol winner signed life away
Salon | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"I hereby grant to Producer the unconditional right throughout the universe in perpetuity to use, simulate or portray (and to authorize others to do so) or to refrain from using, simulating or portraying, my name, likeness (whether photographic or otherwise), voice, singing voice, personality, personal identification or personal experiences, my life story, biographical data, incidents, situations and events which heretofore occurred or hereafter occur, including without limitation the right to use, or to authorize others to use any of the foregoing in or in connection with the Series."

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Chicken Dance Elmo to head up festivities
Cincinnati Enquirer | Submitted by: Incubus
"Chicken Dance Elmo serves as a fitting ambassador for Oktoberfest Zinzinnati and our great city, exemplifying the spirit of Gemuetlichkeit (good times), bringing smiles to people of all walks of life and bringing people together to do the Chicken Dance on historic Fountain Square." It should be noted that "Chicken Dance Elmo" is a stupid fucking twenty dollar plush toy available from Disney.

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Gene pools in decline: Mad King George
Wire Services | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"President Bush, Princess Diana and Winston Churchill are distant relatives whose ancestry can be traced back to a 15th century English squire, genealogists say... According to Gary Boyd Roberts, a genealogist at the New England Historic Genealogical Society in Boston, Bush is descended from British royalty going as far back as 12th century King Henry I, the son of William the Conqueror."

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Out, out, damned Spot!
Tallahassee Democrat | Submitted by: Incubus
"First, she painted what animal shelter workers call the "ET" room, the place where unwanted animals are euthanized. She chose green for the bottom third of the walls and yellow for the rest. A natural motif, reminiscent of grass and sunlight. Then she hung a big, colorful picture of a parrot on the wall. The result: The room is brighter. Yet nothing can lighten the task performed there. Like water poured from a glass, Zeke was gone. His body slumped to the floor. They hoisted him into a black garbage bag. They heaved the bag into the room's giant walk-in freezer. Outside, a brown bulldog mix and another shelter worker waited patiently." [Look at the entire slide show.]

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How to learn a second language
Wire Services | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Displaying an openness previously unseen from the isolated communist state, Kim admitted that North Korean agents had kidnapped the Japanese in the late 1970s and early 1980s to train the North's spies in Japanese language and culture and to allow spies to assume their identities... Kim blamed misguided special agents for the abductions." Some of the kidnapped Japanese are still being held.

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Oldest trailer trash recognized
Wire Services | Submitted by: Ted
"A Los Angeles trailer park could soon be joining the world-famous Hollywood sign and the city's Spanish Mission-style Union Station as a protected historic-cultural monument." Historic? Yes, it's old. Cultural? Well, it is LA.

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Nursing home woman bit by 100's of fire ants
WKMG-TV 6 Orlando | Submitted by: Rio
"A 91-year-old bedridden woman was bitten more than 600 times by fire ants in a Tyler nursing home, medical records show. State officials are recommending that Clairmont Tyler Nursing Center pay $1,500 a day in fines for failing to protect the woman from the swarm."

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Rehabilitating Dzerzhinsky
Baltimore Sun | Submitted by: Son of Benway
"Mayor Yuri Luzhkov, one of Russia's most influential politicians, has reversed his previous opposition and now says he wants to restore the bronze statue of Felix E. Dzerzhinsky, the founder and first director of the Soviet secret police, to its former place of honor in Lubyanka Square... Dzerzhinsky is known as the architect of a campaign of mass arrests and executions called the Red Terror, which the Bolsheviks used to consolidate their power between 1917 and 1923."

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Drunken ATF'er threatens teens with loaded gun
Des Moines Register | Submitted by: Ike the Llama
"The head of the Iowa office of the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms is being investigated on allegations that he drunkenly threatened a group of nine teenage pranksters Monday night with a loaded gun." A group of very dangerous teens were committing the highly dangerous and illegal activity of "TP'ing" a local home after a sports event which offended the officer. Intoxicated Officer jumps into government-supplied jeep and pulls teenagers over, then brandishes handgun. Field sobriety tests indicate he is over twice the legal limit for blood alcohol. History does not record whether the agent was smoking a cigarette, which would complete the Alcohol and Tobacco and Firearms trifecta that every ATF agent aspires to.

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Two bedrooms two boobs
Sun | Submitted by: Eric Hunter
"A sculptor has built this amazing house in the shape of a woman’s naked body, and sleeps behind one of her BOOBS. Madcap Armando Munoz Garcia put the bathroom in her bottom and the living room in her tummy."

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The Tragedy of Four Civilizations
Pravda | Submitted by: anonymous
"We are used to treating myths and legends as things that do not actually exist. However, if we take a closer look at the cultural inheritance of a people, we notice remarkable things. For example, some cultures that live absolutely separately from each other have legends that describe one and the same thing or event. Such legends surely have certain differences, but they are basically the same. Scientist Vladimir Shemchuk has studied the curious peculiarities of folklore and compared them to certain facts from the history of our planet." Delicious insanity from Pravda.

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Inspiring prose from Capt. Kirk
MSNBC | Submitted by: D. Rango
The ageless Capt. James T. Kirk goes from Priceline spokespawn to technology writer. In a new book (shamelessly hyped on MSNBC), the reviewer credits William Shatner and Star Trek for inspiring youth to become scientists, inventors and astronauts. Here are some passages of Shatner's profound new writings: "The universe big, really big!... Space is spacious.... The universe is big and things in space are far apart. This is probably why we call it 'space,' Bill." Beam me up, Scotty.

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Dodging bullets from bogus burglary call
Anchorage Daily News | Submitted by: Alaska Freegold
"A Big Lake man hopped up on methamphetamines was arrested last weekend after calling the police for help and then shooting a semi-automatic pistol wildly when authorities arrived, Alaska State Troopers said... Troopers first on the scene dove for cover when bullets started flying, but did not fire back. Telephone calls to the small, two-room cabin ultimately convinced the occupants the troopers were not burglars."

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Undead wife fraud busted by man's cousin
Idaho Statesman | Submitted by: Rum Swilling Degenerate
"Employees at a Boise Bank of America branch were extending sympathy to Cortes-Correa for the loss of his wife when his cousin, who worked at the bank, overheard the conversation and reported that the woman had just attended a family gathering."

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Saudi Haute Couture
Wire Services | Submitted by: Scooter The Wonderduck
Photo from a recent fashion show in Beirut. Tasteful clothing with bloodstains.

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Waiter is there a pigeon in my soup?
ABC News | Submitted by: Seattleite
"Some of the birds got tangled in onlookers' hair or fell apparently into the Hudson River. Several were injured later when they crashed into office windows, and others were found dead... Instead of getting homing pigeons the kind usually used at weddings and other formal events organizers of the Sept. 11 service bought their birds at a poultry shop in Newark."

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Mad scientist mass produce antimatter
BBC | Submitted by: boat6float
"Physicists have mass produced antimatter, a crucial first step towards precision studies of... the greatest mysteries of the Universe" Mad scientist everywhere rejoice and cast doubts, "A spokesman for a rival research group said he doubted that antihydrogen had been produced in the latest experiment."

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Do you have a casual sex friend?
Newsweek | Submitted by: Soylent
"Masami has sex with several of her pals, she admits, rotating among partners who themselves enjoy numerous liaisons. Her promiscuity is not uncommon: Surveys suggest that many young Japanese maintain multiple sekusutomo, literally 'sex friends'".

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