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  March 30, 2000  
Conviction in Clown Hit Case

Sylvia Paterson and John Holmes (not the dead porn star with the huge schlong) have been convicted of hiring a clown named "Banjo" to disappear their stepson Paul and his wife Sarah. Both were sentenced to nine years for conspiracy to murder, by a court in Carrwood, Cheshire UK. Verdict on clowns however: still evil.

  March 30, 2000  
Baby or Bathwater

A dead and four months premature baby born at Mary Hospital in Torrance CA was accidentally sent out to the cleaning service, wrapped in laundry. The baby died approximately an hour after delivery; the mother was informed the baby was alive but something was wrong, and it was taken from her room. But one day after being discharged, the mother received a phonecall informing her of the baby's mysterious reappearance at the Bellwood Linen and Supplies Company. The parents of Baby Amina learned further details from television, which must surely have made them feel super good.
(Daily Breeze)

  March 29, 2000  
Nasty Rock Climbing Accident

This is a disturbing video of a rock climbing rescue gone wrong. It's rather long, but vivid, and you need to be able to view an MPEG movie to see.

download rockclimb.mpg (3.6M)

Good snuff.

  March 28, 2000  
Baltimore Oriole Mascot Assault

Louis G. Vitagliano has been ordered to pay $59,000 to official Baltimore Orioles mascot John J. Krownapple, after he threw him from the stands into the outfield. Additional punishment includes a year of probation and 100 hours community service. The manbird broke his ankle during the fall. Also we might mention, that one year ago, Miramax purchased the option to the screenplay Bird Meets Girl, to be directed by and star Jon Stewart, about the love affair between the Orioles Mascot and a sports reporting female. We haven't heard much about this project for the last year, though apparently they will now need a stuntman.
(Associated Press, Ain't it Cool News)

  March 27, 2000  
Sticky Room Service

The Swedish Hotel Workers Federation is asking that its workers be allowed to carry alarms, because of the unhealthy atmosphere surrounding the viewing of hardcore pornographic films in hotels that they clean. This is a direct quote from the wire report, transcribed from Aftonbladet Daily -- "We have to dry off sticky television screens and clean stained sheets as well as picking up used tissues thrown under beds". The organization also would like maids to be allowed to work in pairs, in hotels showing hardcore porn. [Editor's note: Sticky television sets?]

  March 26, 2000  
Academy Awards Preshow Ceremonies

  March 25, 2000  
Miss Manners: Hairy Ass a Definite No No

  March 24, 2000  
Duct Tape Really Does Fix Everything

A daycare center in Boston, Massachusetts has lost its license because of various abuses, the most interesting of which was the duct taping an 8 month old girl to the wall, in an experiment to determine whether duct tape "works on everything". [Note: it does.] The man who allegedly taped the infant was the director of the center, name not divulged, but has since been fired by the owner of A Place to Grow, who is appealing the loss of license last week. Now with 102 uses!
(Associated Press)

  March 24, 2000  
Toilet Man Dog Sex Case Settled

The first bestiality case in Hong Kong has been settled with the guilty plea of a married 48 year old man, to one count of having raunchy dog sex in a public toilet. The canine sodomy occurred January 25, in the Hunghom district of Hong Kong. The dog's owner has not accepted return of the dog, now in a shelter awaiting extermination. Who wants a used dog anyway?

  March 24, 2000  
Show Me The Bunny

  March 24, 2000  
Austrian Rightwinger Into Boys

According to press reports in the German journal Taz and the Austrian newspaper Der Standard Jörge Haider, the recently resigned leader of the Austrian Freedom Party, is a gay homosexual. Furthermore, oh fuck it. We'll just report what The Guardian is saying about this all:

According to Taz, many members of Vienna's gay scene are ready to confirm the reports. They claim he regularly has sex with young men below the age of consent - 18 for homosexuals.

As a result, says Taz: "These days he prefers to meet with boys from nearby Slovakia" (where the age of consent is 15). The paper also refers to Mr Haider's alleged cocaine habit.

According to Taz, Haider's current partner is a youthful member of the Freedom party who has worked as his private secretary.

Now we don't have problems with shennanigans such as these, provided they are legal. But we do have problems when a self-confessed bigot engages in behavioral hypocrisy. Someone who praises Adolf Hitler from one side of his mouth should probably not be sucking cock with the other side. Haider was essentially forced to resign from his party post because his presence as an influence in the Austrian government was causing Austria itself to be ostracised from EU reindeer games.
(The Guardian)

  March 23, 2000  
Nude Man Hijacks Truck

A bareass naked man wearing only a shirt, later identified as Anthony M Childs was arrested after he hijacked a garbage truck, in Clearwater TX on March 21. The hijacker first wallowed in the garbage part of the truck and then later removed the driver from the truck and drove it off. He continued his crime spree with the invasion of a hotel room and an attempted hijacking of a semitrailer. It seems almost as if Mr. Childs has issues.
(St. Petersburg Times)

  March 23, 2000  
Cell Escape used Dental Floss

Antonio Lara, (gang affiliation: Hermanos de Pistoleros Latinos) has been charged with murder, for the stabbing of fellow inmate Roland Rios (gang affiliation: Texas Syndicate). Lara had sawn through his cell bars using dental floss and toothpaste for abrasive, and stabbed Rios as he was being escorted down an aisle at the Coffield in Texas. After this stabbing the prison was placed in lockdown, for fear of gang retaliation. This is the first recorded cell escape using using this innovative dentifrice technique.
(Houston Chronicle)

  March 23, 2000  
At The Piss Trough

  March 22, 2000  
Death by Backstreet Boys

In a move reminiscent of a recent sentence handed down by a judge sentencing a teen to two hours of Wayne Newton music, the University of Toronto police are loudcasting the Backstreet Boys, insipid pop music, to a sit-in at the university president's office. Quoted in the National Post newspaper, one of the protestors stated "this is probably the first time the Backstreet Boys have been deliberately used as a form of sleep deprivation torture". [Editor's comment: Awww yeah.]

  March 22, 2000  
Hands Off of Rebecca

  March 21, 2000  
Twinkie Shortage Imminent

A desperate Twinkie(TM) shortage is imminent in the Northeastern United States, due to a Teamsters strike. Bakeries in Philadelphia PA, Buffalo NY and New York City have been shut down, and picket lines have been established in various Northeastern states. Teamsters are respecting those lines. The actual cause of the strike are complications due to arbitration rulings and work rules, boring really. Only one thing is certain: the Twinkies won't spoil (they have an infinite shelf life).
(Associated Press)

  March 20, 2000  
So Hot Baby

  March 20, 2000  
Hoodlums Sentenced

Two hoodlums in Vancouver, Canada -- Kay Blunt-Clayden and Michael Fodor -- have been sentenced for a videotaped crime spree of lame antics. They were fined $407, must perform 50 hours of community service, and offer personal apologies. Amusingly this has brought considerable ridicule of their rich families, largely by the lameness of their spree:
  • Spanked an elderly female
  • Urinated on upholstery, and stereo, of a convertible automobile
  • "Pants'd" another elderly female at a McDonald's food establishment
  • Interrupted a tennis match and attempted to abscond with a participant's tennis racket
  • Kidnapped a "chow chow" puppy dog
This "elderlies" fetish should probably be looked into.
(Vancouver Sun)

  March 20, 2000  
Another Uganda Cult Photo

  March 19, 2000  
Death by Wayne Newton

Danke Schön
Judge Michael Martone has sentenced a youthful offender to two hours of Wayne Newton music. Justin A. Rushford was cited by police for listening to his rap music at extraordinary volume, and instead of a fine, the judge opted for the harsher Newtonian sentence instead of a mere $500 fine. It is not known whether prolonged exposure to such acoustics is fatal, or whether it is cruel/unusual or both. But the judge, the youth, and Mr. Newton are all ecstatic.
(The Detroit News)

  March 19, 2000  
Utah To Appoint Pornography Czar

Utah is apparently some kind of hotbed for porn, so much of a hotbed that the Governor of the state signed a bill on the 17th creating position of "Porn Czar". Utah is 70% full of horny pornstarved Mormons, believers of a religion some guy made up that apparently has no place for pornography. $75,000 is budgeted for this position, which seems like a lot but is roughly four cents per citizen. [Fuck 'em if they don't want porn. No sane person would consider living in Utah anyway, the "Beehive State".]

Porn Czar
Great State of Utah

  March 18, 2000  
Doomsday Uganda Cult Burns 470

A Ugandan cult, the Movement for the Restoration of Ten Commandments of God, based in Kanunga, burnt 470 of their followers in some kind of doomsday suicide event. This was, of course, after a most impressive slaughter (3 full sized bulls) and feast (70 soda crates, etc. etc.) Estimates actually range between 235 and 470 cult members terminated, dead in a self-started church fire which charred all bodies beyond recognition. The blessed Virgin Mary promised an appearance to them on the 17th, but there are no survivors remaining to tell us if she made a cameo.

  March 17, 2000  
Pakistani Killer to be Dismembered

Javed Iqbal, the Pakistani who killed 100 children by dismembering them and placing their body parts in acid vats, has been sentenced to be strangled, cut up, and his body parts placed in a similar acid vat. Iqbal targetted young street boys, apparently in retaliation for police abuse (it is not clear how the two are connected.) After he was arrested, body parts to a boy were discovered in a vat at his residence, as well as numerous articles of clothing from other victims, some of whom have been identified. Iqbal confessed to killing 100 boys, but later recanted testimony and denied all charges. The Paki interior ministry is appealing the sentence as barbaric.

  March 17, 2000  
Happy St. Patrick's Day

  March 16, 2000  
Killer Spits Out Keys at Execution

Convicted killer Ponchai Wilkerson was executed by lethal injection at Huntsville TX, yesterday, but soon after he was given the injection the condemned man spat out a universal handcuff and leg restraint key. Prior to his execution Wilkerson struggled with officials, and had to be maced; on February 21 he actually escaped from death row and held a guard hostage for half a day. Wilkerson was sentenced to death for the 1990 murder of a jewelry store employee, whom he shot point blank. Prison officials are currently investigating how the key was obtained.
(Associated Press)

  March 16, 2000  
Big Brother Makes New Inroads

The National Security Agency (American spooks) and GCHQ (Limey spooks) were concerned that direct satellite phones were very difficult to tap. Well, that is no longer an issue! Motorola has applied for patents to make Iridium and Teledesic super easy for TLA's (Three Letter Agencies) to listen to. Problem was, to intercept a call, it would have to go to satellite, down to a station, and then back up to satellite. That added so much time and noise, that any idiot would know his phone was tapped. The new patents support direct communication, but beam an on-demand voice stream to a TLA listening post, containing a replica or excerpts from conversations, as appropriate. What exactly possessed Motorola to think consumers wanted this "feature", we aren't quite sure of. Bastards.
(New Scientist)

  March 16, 2000  
An Outing on Sesame Street

The papparazzi shot to end all papparazzi shots! Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street revealed to be the gay homosexuals that they are! Yay!

  March 15, 2000  
Pantsless Sex Counsellor Arrested at 7-Eleven

A Valparaiso, Indiana sex counsellor was arrested at 7-Eleven minimart in a pantsless condition, his sole article of clothing being a football jersey. Apparently Matias Reinaldo Jr., a psychologist, was to meet his "internet girlfriend" in the parking lot, and her instructions were to meet him naked. A customer noticed Mr. Reinaldo's lack of pantitude and notified police, and the good psychologist was booked for indecency. The pathetic 40 year old has taken a much needed leave of absence from his sex counselling job.
(APB News)

  March 15, 2000  
Swedish Mother Breastfeeds Puppies

Casja Holmström, age 30, helped five puppies into life. Literally. When their mother wouldn't produce any milk, she breast fed them. "It's your duty to be there in any way you can", she says. The Holmström family in Glommersträsk outside Arvidsjaur has sheep, cows, cats and dogs on their farm. On November 6, their neighbor's dog Amy, pregnant by the Holmström's dog Solo, gave birth to five puppies. Shortly after the birth Amy stopped producing milk, and everyone thought the puppies would die because of it. This was when Cajsa Holmström came up with her rather unorthodox solution. Since she was already breastfeeding her son Markus, age one, she thought that perhaps her own breastmilk could save the puppies. "It was the most natural thing in the world. You do whatever you can to save the animals around you." For one week Cajsa took on the role as the puppies' mother. The dog Amy watched the entire process. "I got the feeling she was grateful because I helped her", she says.

(Translated from the Swedish by F. Lundqvist)

  March 15, 2000  
Show Me Your Power Tool

This gentleman definitely has issues. ALSO: FAT


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