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  January 14, 2000  
No More Goat Tossing

Under pressure from the Spanish government, the annual practice of throwing a goat from the town's bell tower will be stopped. The ceremony, necessary to open the festival of St Vincent, has been held for centuries on January 23. Legend holds that a goat in the bell tower was saved when villages caught it in a blanket, but it is not clear how the goat arrived atop the bell tower in the first place.
(Spanish national news agency)

  January 14, 2000  
Pork: The Other White Meat

  January 14, 2000  
Wacky Turks Self Immolate

To express their dismay at the fact that the Kurdish leader Abdullah Ocalan, currently under death penalty, has yet to be executed, the mother and brother of two dead Turkish Army soldiers lit themselves afire during a demonstration in Istanbul. The two self-immolators were admitted in serious condition to Haseki Hospital. Execution of Ocalan, sentenced to be hanged, is under review by the European Court of Human Rights and it is expected that his death sentence will be ruled inappropriate.

(Originally reported by Associated Press)

  January 13, 2000  
Ben Stein Robbed of Ben Stein's Money

Ben Stein, television host of Comedy Central's hit game show "Win Ben Stein's Money", was robbed of his money at gunpoint on January 5 while entering his Beverly Hills home. Stolen from Stein was approximately $1000 and his various credit cards. This is indeed an outrage. Police are investigating. [Extra Fun Fact: The money on the game show, billed as Ben's, actually belongs to the studio. Say it ain't so!]

(San Jose Mercury News)

  January 13, 2000  
Ain't she Purty?

  January 13, 2000  
Brain Found in Sewer

A hemisphere of a human brain has been discovered in a Bethlehem, Pennsylvania sewage plant. As no brains have been reported missing in the area, the discovery remains a mystery. It is most probable that the brain was flushed down some toilet, and it does not appear the brain was used at any point for medical research. The hemisphere is mostly intact and largely well preserved; the county coroner is investigating.

(Source KYW - item submitted by Kyrin)

  January 12, 2000  
Does My Ass Look Big?

  January 12, 2000  
Glamrocker Gary Glitter out of Jail...!

Gary Glitter was released from Horfield Prison in the UK yesterday, after serving two of his four months for a child pornography conviction. Glitter is best known for his excellent anthem Rock and Roll Part II, and was one of the premiere "glam rock" artists of the 70's and 80's. The artist was arrested in 1997 when he stupidly brought a computer containing contraband images into a shop for repair. Glitter, previously acquitted in 1980 of unrelated underage sodomy charges, exhibits remorse over these recent crimes and has expressed an interest in moving to Cuba.

  January 12, 2000  
New Leisuretown Out

Much to our surprise a new Leisuretown was posted late last night. We're never quite sure what the effects are when this happens, but workplaces have been known to come to a standstill and the sewers always seem to get backed up in Manhattan on such days. This one is very Cube Noir. I will have to go potty soon.

  January 12, 2000  
Floating Stiff Interrupts Clean Water Party

A ceremony held January 10 by Mayor Ma Ying-jeou in Taipei, Taiwan to commemorate the improved cleanliness of the River Tanshui was rudely interrupted as the corpse of a 56 year old murder victim floated by. The river is still considered a national disgrace, and remains highly polluted.

(Originally reported by Reuters)

  January 11, 2000  
Rape As Interstate Commerce

Today the U.S. Supreme Court will hear a case brought under the 1994 Violence Against Women Act, in which damages are sought by Christy Brzonkala under federal law, against her rapist. Constitutionally, Congress only has the power to regulate interstate commerce. This clause is often used to wedge the power of the federal government into areas otherwise off limits constitutionally, and its misuse has been rampant lately. But it should be very clear to anyone that this statute, which incredulously considers rape to be interstate commerce, will be overturned on the grounds that no money changes hands.

  January 11, 2000  
Deafs In Uproar Over Rotten Exhibit

A number of vocal deaf people are in a tizzy over rotten.com's use of the "deaf alphabet" to number one of its exhibits, featuring severed limbs. The creators of the site maintain that no harm was intended. "Deaf people complaining about this is much like Italian Americans complaining that we used Roman Numerals," said the designer of the exhibit. "Rotten doesn't discriminate against any form of cripple. Both deafs and regulars alike are welcome," added Gweeds, another rotten.com staff member. "I think any potential lawsuits will be avoided thanks to the fact that rotten.com has always strictly adhered to the Americans with Disabilities Act. This is so incredibly whiny."

  January 10, 2000  
Red Chinese Organ Harvest

Transplant organs from executed prisoners in China are being sold to wealthy Hong Kong patients, according to a mainland Chinese newspaper story on January 9. The operations are performed at Sun Yat Sen University Hospital, apparently in violation of a directive issued by the Chinese government ministry. More than 40 such operations have occurred, with livers priced at approximately $25,000. China tends to execute large numbers of prisoners before major festivals, making more organs available around those dates. No consent is required from the prisoner for their "donations" of harvestable organs.

(Original source: South China Sunday Morning Post)

  January 9, 2000  
I Tink I'm In Loove

  January 8, 2000  
Faelan Finished

Since 1998 one of our favorite websites was that of Faelan, billed as "Cute 11 year-old boy holding contest to find girl to be sweetheart/girlfriend. For girls his age/younger looking for boyfriend..." The target age range for the sweetheart was 8-13, and nothing overtly illegal was suggested. Some thought it a hoax, and others were convinced it was real. The site was surely too good to be real. But it was real! And now, Faelan and his two brothers are in a foster home, and the parents Jonathan and Sarah Aragorn have been convicted by a jury in Portland Oregon of various counts of child abuse and exploitation, based on the website posting. The investigation into this Faelan matter started with a TV news reporter's research, but the cards came down in Spring 1999 when an FBI agent posed as an interested father. [Did anyone save a mirror of the contest site?]

(Originally reported by a Swinger's organization)

  January 8, 2000  
The KKK Took My Suntan Away

The Argentine edition of music magazine Rolling Stone is being attacked for carrying an advertisement for Hawaiian Tropic suntan lotion that depicts KKK members hauling off a suntanned man for being too dark. While this may be the pinnacle of humor in Argentina, a human rights group in that country has found the image not to its amusement. [rotten.com would like a copy of this ad.]

  January 7, 2000  
Portrait Of The Artist As Dog Food

Tragedy ensued last April when a component of performance artist Zhang Huan's exhibit bit him in the heiney. The intent of this particular artistic expression was to represent man's biological stasis under the progress of technology, but canine stasis in the presence of juicy, admittedly even floury ass was too much for the animal to handle. It seems redundant to even state that these events transpired in San Francisco.

  January 6, 2000  
King of Belgium Adjusts Royal Sceptre

Frenchi la Malice writes to us that this photo of King Albert II of Belgium is floating around. It's actually quite a remarkable paparazzi photo.

( Click on above image to enlarge )

[Editor's note: We weren't sure whether to make a "royal sceptre" or a "crown jewels" joke out of this. And, to anyone emailing us material, we are perfectly happy to forget who you are, by request, or give credit where credit is due. Anyway, enjoy.]

  January 6, 2000  
Penii Confiscatii

A roadside vendor in Malaysia was arrested in late December with 22 dried (and presumably crunchy) crocodile penii. The organs are used by elderly impotent men who believe them to be viagra-like, but in reality such penii are just meat, and have no effect other than nutrition. They aren't even tasty.

(Original source: December 30 New Straits Times, Malaysia)

  January 5, 2000  
Llama Killed in Drive-By Shooting

Ian Fenner, age 17, was sentenced in December to 3 years 5 months prison for the drive-by shooting of the pet llama of his prosecutor, Roy Fore, of Chelan County Washington. A .22 was used, which is a pansy-assed calibre to be used when dealing with a llama. Come on, people. The animal's spine was injured and it had to be put down.

  January 5, 2000  
Deer Parts

Lurkingshadows from Missouri sent us these pictures of his encounter with a deer, that he was quite obviously lucky to walk away from. But it totalled his car, and left deer parts splattered everywhere.

#1   #2   #3   #4  

  January 4, 2000  
Turn Your Head And Cough

An old trigger finger friend of ours has sent us this photo he took of the 1953 Proctologist's Convention, held in NYC. Ahem.

  January 3, 2000  
African Shit Scandal Hits Fan

The speaker of the Swaziland House of Assembly (parliament) is being forced to resign because he collected cow manure from the Royal cattle pen, which is owned by King Mswathi III. Cow shit is used in various voodoo and witchcraft rituals, particularly when such shit is owned by royalty. Swaziland, a country within the confines of South Africa, is essentially insignificant and it doesn't really matter who leads their Assembly.

(Originally reported by Reuters)

  January 2, 2000  

A raving lunatic in San Francisco ran amok yesterday with a meat cleaver, attacking random pedestrians. Two were hospitalized with head injuries, and a police officer recieved minor injuries. An ATM machine was also brutally victimized.

Rioting erupted in the town of Whitefish, Montana, when four naked women streaked bare ass naked through the streets soon after midnight struck on New Year's Eve. Police estimate 400 people were involved in the riot, of whom 12 men were arrested. Three of the naked ladies involved were also booked on indecency charges, the fourth remaining a fugitive from justice.

Fearing the new millenium, an unnamed prisoner at New Hampshire State Prison in Concord, New Hampshire, sewed his eyes and mouth shut with dental floss. The effectiveness of such a strategy remains in question; the prisoner is currently being held to have his head examined.

(Originally reported by AP newswire, UPI, ABC, etc)

  January 1, 2000  
We Know What You Did Over Christmas Holiday

What the hell is going on here?

  January 1, 2000  
Y2K: Civilization Refuses To Collapse

To the great alarm of Y2K survivalists everywhere, with the passing of midnight across the globe, western civilization has remained disturbingly intact.

  • Over 300 slot machines at a Delaware race track have been rendered inoperable from the Y2K bug.
  • The time in New Zealand is apparently: Saturday, January 1, 19100
  • Satan remains nontriumphant, and Christians have not been raptured at this time. [At rapture, faithful Christians are summoned bodily into heaven, causing a traffic hazard when some motor vehicles become unexpectedly pilotless.]
  • Berlin held a light show, described as "very 1930's Albert Speer".
  • The city of Rome banned smut shops, because of some papal nonsense.
  • Boris Yeltsin is still drunk.
  • France still exists.
In a word: BORING


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