The Emoji Movie

By Clive Python | 14jammar

I can't wait 'til the Emoji Movie comes out, it will be regarded as a modern day classic. People in 100 years will still be talking about it

- Clive Python on Twitter

The Emoji Movie (previously Emojimovie: Express Yourself) is already a big mistake.

It's really not that hard to see that this movie was made for two reasons; one is because of The LEGO Movie and secondly because of money. There is no way on earth that The Emoji Movie is going to have any saving Grace.

If you somehow have any hope for this movie, then all of it will go when you see who one of the stars of it is: James "Fucking" Corden.

Okay, so the synopsis of the movie is really dumb, so get this "The film will center on Gene, a multi-expressional emoji who sets out on a journey to become a normal emoji."

If that doesn't sound the most 😁 😁 😁 movie ever, I don't know what is!

In other movie news, 2017 looks like it's going to be a 😕 😕 😕 for movies, but are there going to be any good movies coming out in 2017? Let's find out, shell we?

For people who are fans of Johnny Depp wearing funny hats "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales" comes out too soon.

Slowly losing all its charm, Pixar is right now, shitting out "Cars 3".

"Despicable Me 3" is also coming out, so if you love more fucking minions you will 😍 😍 😍 this movie!

DreamWorks shows us their talent with "The Boss Baby"

More crap Transformer movies

And lastly, I do know that it comes out in 2018, but "Deadpool 2" looks as funny as Family Guy and The Big Bang Theory put together.

Side Rant: Deadpool

Can I just say for the record, I really don't like Deadpool at all, most of the "jokes" are references to more popular things. One of the only ways you can find a reference funny is if you have seen said reference and most of the references just aren't funny. At all.

I watched the movie with my Dad and throwout I only smiled once and that was of how bad the movie is.

I could write for Deadpool, make a fart joke, break the 4th wall, now a dick joke, okay good, break the 4th wall, now make a reference, break the 4th wall, now a dick joke and end the movie.

I know not many people have watched it, but in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic there is a pony called "Pinkie Pie" and she could break the 4th wall (but not overly, the most she would do would crack a smile at the screen), unlike Deadpool, she doesn't break the 4th wall every 2 seconds, on average she will break the 4th wall once every two episodes or so - and because of this, when she does break the 4th wall people will remember it more.

Now, in a horror movie, you will remember the monster a lot more if you give less screen time to it; it will make a bigger impact on the person watching it.

The same rule applies to Deadpool, because he breaks the 4th wall every 5 minutes or so, it becomes less funny and you know when he is about to do it.

One of the reasons why I think Deadpool did well was because of its age rating, nerds want to justify watching comic book movies - so a movie would be better if it had a higher age rating. Yeah, that's why The Dark Knight (age rating of 12), The Lord of the Rings (a PG), Inception (12A) and Star Wars: Episode IV (U) are all really bad movies.

No, there good movies because of the story, the settings, mood and most importantly because of the charaters.

Look, this is only what I think, I don't give one shit if you like the movie or not.

Update: So, How Did The Movie Do?


Was it really a surprise to anyone when The Emoji Movie flopped? I honestly don't think so. As of writing, the movie is now No. 64 of IMDb's lowest rated movies of all time (although the movie even managed to get to No.1 of the lowest movies at one point), with a score of 2.5 out of 10. Over on at Rotten Tomatoes, the movie also had very much the same reception with the lowest score being 6% out of a possible 100 (the movie did have a 0%, but I suspect that was from trolls - not that I care about people trolling the Rotten Tomatoes' Emoji Movie page).

The movie was given a new arsehole by most critics and moviegoers, especially from people online and from the entertainment industry, such as Charles Bramesco from The Guardian, who writes;

The most disturbing part of this toxic film is the way it infects audiences with its ugly cynicism. A viewer leaves The Emoji Movie a colder person, not only angry at the film for being unconscionably bad, but resentful of it for making them feel angry. A critic can accept the truth that art and commerce will spend eternity locked in opposition. Nevertheless it's still startling to see art that cheers commerce on while being stamped in the face by its boots.

After writing their review of the film, Charles Bramesco was arrested on suspicion of murdering the cast and crew of The Emoji Movie with their words. He awaits trial.

so, here is the million Doller Pound question; could The Emoji Movie ever be good? Well... Ehhhhh, I highly doubt that. I feel the idea alone was doomed from the start, it's not like we're dealing with high art or anything like that here, for Christ's sake, the movie is about emojis. FUCKING EMOJIS!

One of my favourite movies of the 2010's was The Lego Movie, and seeing that it is highly rated, getting ten out of ten scores, so it's really not uncommon for someone to like it, but, why was a movie about Lego of all things at all good? Well, for one thing, people know what it is. Lego has been around since the late 1940's, so it's fair to say that most people alive today know what Lego is. This is pretty much the opposite of emojis, which have only been around since 1999 and have only really been known by people outside of Japan since the 2010's thanks to Apple including them in the iPhone. So I think it's fair to say that not many people (outside of Japan) under the age of seven or so have grown up with emojis and I hardly think that people older than seven would want to see a movie about them. It's not like emojis are a household name or anything.

One of the only good things to come out of the movie was Jack Douglass of JacksFilms, who since January 2017 up to even now, has been making a whole bunch of amazing parodies revolving around the movie, Douglass went so far that he made an hour-long video where he analyses The Emoji Movie trailer frame-by-frame, with this, he also made a video where he was "Counting down to The Emoji Movie while spinning 15 fidget spinners and dabbing every 60 seconds" - like cooldown Jack, holy shit.

Jack's trolling went so far that Sony themselves even noticed him and sent him some "emoji swag" and invited him to the world premiere of The Emoji Movie. On the 28th of July - the day the movie came out - Jack uploaded a video titled "THE EMOJI MOVIE REVIEW", where he (jokily) claims that is the best movie ever, but he said that he was disappointed because Gene and Jailbreak "didn't fuck" and that he was given "blue balls" because Jailbait was giving Gene "fuck me eyes".

Even long after the movie came out, Jack still brings the subject up, such as for Halloween 2017, where he dressed up as Jailbreak, saying "Where can I collect my trophy for Worst Halloween Costume 2017".

JacksFilms would be one of the only people outside of Sony to promote the movie in anyway shape or form.

It was truly a great time to be alive...


The Emoji Movie Trailer - Joke link, now goes to 404, title was called "The Emoji Movie Trailer But Voice Dub To Be More Honest" [No archives made]

The REAL Emoji Movie Trailer [Internet Archive,]

Emoji and the Levitating Businessman - Computerphile [Internet Archive,]

Quote from Charles Bramesco of The Guardian [Internet Archive,]

Written by Clive "James" Python, 10/03/17.*/*